The CW

I have wrestled with blogging about the CW(CUNT whore). Not sure if she deserves my words or time, but since blogging about other issues of being betrayed has helped me a lot here I go. Hopefully it’s therapeutic for me. Fingers crossed.

Before the affair I knew the CW existed. The first Christmas after moving in together I wanted to send Christmas cards out to family and friends. She along with others showed up on my husbands list of people. He told me she was a college friend. They had a lot of classes together for 3 years straight, since they had the same college major. Ok no big deal to me. I read between the lines that maybe it was more a “friends with benefits” thing and she was now married. We both had past lives before being a couple. So for years I sent her a Christmas card. Eventually I stopped because she never sent one back(petty maybe). So she knew after time we were married and had kids, since my cards had the kids pictures on them.

When I finally figured out what my husband was up to in September 2017. I knew right away whose area code was showing up hundreds of times a day for almost two months. She lives in a different state then us. My husbands emotional affair was uncovered. I still at that time got little clarification from him of who she was really to him those 3 years in college. I did start social media stalking the CW at this time, but made no contact.

In late November 2017 I caught him again using FB messenger to contact her. I made my first contact with her too through his messenger. Stupid me only demanded that he delete his friendship with her on FB instead of blocking her after Dday 1, but I would learn in coming months “where there’s a will there’s a way” and nothing I demanded from him made a difference. The following day I used every way I knew how to reach her. I wanted her to hear me and really know I existed. I emailed her(unfortunately email addresses were old), texted her to both phone numbers that showed up on our bill, and dm’d her on Instagram. After the message I sent her on my husbands FB messenger she had already locked down her FB account so I couldn’t use that method. I truly realized what a bitch she was in her response back to me.

I want to share the screenshots of the messages between us, but I have them put in an email folder I haven’t looked at for over 6 months. I can’t do that to myself. To many triggers in that folder.

So here is my summary instead. I told her to stay away from my husband and family. I didn’t know what lies my husband was feeding her, but he swears he only wants me and we are still having sex together. That he tells me he loves me all the time and if she doesn’t stay away I will tell her husband. Then she could feel the same pain inflicted on her family. See the night of Dday 2 my oldest son who we thought was asleep sat on the steps and heard our whole fight about my husband still cheating. Heartbreaking moment for me. Consoling my child as I too fell apart.

Her response to me was that she was sorry I was hurting and that this is an adult matter keep the kids out of it because she has seen first hand how hurtful these situations can be.

Not sorry that she was half the cause of my pain. Oh no she would never take the blame for her part. Oh and she blocked me from being able to get in contact with her. Or at least she thought she did.

On Dday 3 Dec 14th 2017 the day after my husband finalized our first marriage therapy appointment I found them using LinkedIn to talk to each other. I told her through his account to stop talking to my husband. I might of called her mean names too!!! She told me I couldn’t tell her what to do and then I reminded her that she had been warned and now her husband will know all. She blocked me again or rather my husbands account then. With the help of my girlfriends I made contact with her husband the following day. That’s a whole blog in its self. I don’t regret at all telling him what was going on. Her husband told me she spun a really weird story about my husband and her current “friendship”. I guess she did that knowing there was a good chance I wasn’t bluffing. I had screenshots that would prove her story to be false. A word of advice the affair partners spouse is never ever really your ally.

Finally after Dday3 my husband disclosed to me that CW was his college girlfriend of 3 years. He loved her back then and all his intense feelings have come back. That when they graduated he backed out on their deal that whoever got the best job the other would follow them there. He chickened out. She had gotten the better job. A couple years before I met my husband he reached back out to her, but it was too late she was engaged. He said after he meet me she was never a thought until she reached out while she was in town for work in July 2017 when he dropped me like a hot potato instantly.

I would have more useless convos with the CW after DDay4. She thought I should just get over it, stop talking about the affair and how naive I am about their bond together. She hated the contact I had with her husband. She demanded I stop. Blocked me and stalked my number on her husbands phone and phone bill too. I could see too how she manipulated my husband into purposely unblocking her on LinkedIn and blocking someone else with the same name as her to get me upset right before their Valentine’s Day Rendezvous. Also she has professional initials after her name on LinkedIn and the decoy did not. Stood out big time. There was no need for it. He was using a burner phone to contact her easily. She had a texting app she used. LinkedIn also shows how many days someone has been blocked for and she knew it and it did cause friction between my husband and I before he left for his work trip. His gaslighting was in full affect at this time too in order to please her more.

The last time she reached out that I know of was the day after my husbands birthday last June. I had his secret Snapchat account open on my phone. Well she got me. We played a Snapchat game of cat and mouse with each other. I guess she realized I wasn’t as naive as she thought. I sent screen shots of her Snapchat friend request to her husband. I then stopped communicating with him too. I had nothing more to say to him. Good luck with you horrible wife. Toodleloo!!!!!!

I’m doing much better and only keeping occasional tabs on her. I’m in and out fast. No deep diving PI work anymore. I’ve uncovered she is getting divorced and has changed jobs again. She’s no longer on complete social media lockdown now. I haven’t told my husband about my discoveries.

My goal is to never think of her ugly all around self again. Yes I’m prettier then her. I will say it!! Like so many my husband affaired down on all levels. I’m getting so much better not giving her to much space in my head. I truly am.

Looking back I shouldn’t have contacted the CW as much as I did. She’s a master at mind F*** language. I felt justified to contact her when I did though at the time. She never had one ounce of remorse for her part in the affair.

She’s lucky she has children. I had plenty of ways to go after her but I refrained because of them. Truth. In fact CWs husband asked me if I was the reason she got fired from her job in January 2018. I wish I had contacted the HR department at her job with a tip to look at her work cell phone logs. They figured it out on there own. She could of cared less of the fallout for all the children involved. My husband was guilty of that too though. I just can’t imagine being that self absorbed.

The CW is a manipulative bitch who came back I believe to reclaim what was hers first. Well I guess she was “naive” to think that’s how things were going to go down.

I wish her days filled with embarrassing explosive diarrhea and angry yeast infections. Please Karma! Please!

Here’s to leaving her in my rear view mirror real soon!

Toodaloo CW!!

I would like to thank http://livingafterbetrayal.home.blog @newmanin2018 on twitter for sharing this above picture for me!!

LTI

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Diffused A Trigger/Marriage Therapy

My day started with my husband being on edge. We had a marriage therapy session today. He gets all out of sorts in anticipation of it. He gets worse while we are in the waiting room every time too. I sort of enjoy watching him squirm. I really do because he is the reason for over a year I squirmed in my own skin.

This morning while getting myself ready for our appointment I could hear my husband talking on his phone. He was working from home this morning. I came down the steps to switch the laundry over and then get breakfast. As I came down the steps I heard him end the call and BANG TRIGGER!!! I got to the kitchen where he was and he indeed was off the call. I looked at him and he could tell something was wrong and asked me so. I starred blankly into the fridge trying to remember what I was looking for and to deescalate my trigger. My trigger is him ending the call as I got close. Like he did so many times with the CW and then he would lie to me who he was talking too.

I kicked that triggers ass this morning!! Proud of myself!! Yes, Yes, yes I am!!

I opened up about the trigger to my husband. I stated that I wasn’t accusing him of anything, but this is how I felt in the moment. He apologized for being the reason I am this way. I then went onto tell him I’m really doing better. Triggers used to take days and hours away from me. Now minutes or seconds. He even heard me talk myself down from the trigger. I tell myself out loud to stop it and be in the now. I was good then and finished getting ready.

We get to therapy and our Therapist could sense something/one of us was anxious. My husband starts talking about my trigger before our session. His perspective was all horrible. My perspective was I just kicked ass and I’m good now. I completely understand he was just on a work call and now it only takes me minutes to become rational again. Win for me.

I got reminded again that we both have different perspectives with situations in affair recovery. Sometimes very different. I really need to remember this. Actually we both do. In order for our marriage to come back together I have to stop thinking my pain is always top priority. My husband is in pain on his side of the street and there is room for his pain too.

My husband couldn’t of handled it any better this morning, but he didn’t realize that until our therapists helped us talk more about it. He feels helpless in a lot of situations. I agreed with him that sometimes triggers put us in a no win situation, but things are getting better as I get stronger.

My hubby was the most open he’s ever been I think this session in therapy. Our therapist even commended him for it. He voiced things about the current state of us he hasn’t said before and our therapist helped us both see things from both our perspectives.

Our therapist put in place a boundary for me not rage text my husband anymore. I don’t do this very often anymore, but I need to find a better way in these moments to communicate. I agreed.

I have to admit that with my husbands attitude this morning I really didn’t think our session would of went this well today. Pleasantly surprised.

Get yourself a great marriage therapist/therapist. It’s the best money we spend right now. Our therapist is not covered by our insurance but the specialization in this field is priceless.

LTI 💙🦋

Good Friday Thoughts

I don’t remember Good Friday last year or Easter. I know it happened. I have a couple pictures on my phone of my kids with their Easter baskets. March-May of 2018 are pretty much a blur to me.

Somehow last year through my numb zombie like state of mind, since it was about 1 month from the blow of DDay4 I made Easter Baskets for my kids, hid Easter eggs in the house and I think made something easy or bought something to bring to Easter Dinner at my moms. My mom was aware of what was going on so she didn’t put much pressure on me. I just needed to show up (if I could)and that was a lot to ask of me at that point. My mask was heavy to hide my pain that day. Somehow I survived being surrounded by family that had no clue the hell my life had turned into.

My husband had to show up too and face my parents who knew all that he had been up too with his affair that never ended. He never hesitated on going either.

Thankfully I’m 100% present this Easter weekend. I haven’t gone crazy this year on my kids Easter Baskets like years past where I realized I was trying to “keep up with the Jones”. It was too much. Back to the basics and less pressure on myself. It’s Easter not mini Christmas.

I just had a flashback memory writing this. One of my girlfriends took me literally to Target last year to buy my kids things for Easter. Hmm that’s why I bought candy and other stuff they didn’t care for. I just duplicated what she picked out for her kids for the most part. Funny I remember now….hmmm. I’m so thankful for my girlfriend doing that for me last year. Our friendship has just bloomed. She is an angel in my life.

This year since life doesn’t stop going on while dealing with infidelity my Mom isn’t up to having Easter dinner at her house. Cancer sucks!! She just had a round of chemo this week and as much as she wants the family to gather at her house it’s just to much for her. So I will be cooking Easter dinner on Sunday for just us. I got this and it feels good. No panic. I’ll find time in my day to visit with my momma. My sister and brother in law are coming over tomorrow to have a Easter Eve cookout at our place. Again I got this, no panic and I’m happy to have family over to our home. Our home is a much happier place to be in again. Not like the jail it felt like to me for over a year.

What a difference a year of hard work has made. Or just the last 4 months. I wasn’t of this mindset at Christmas time. I’m so thankful to myself for putting in the effort into me. Only I can heal myself. My husband can’t fix what he broke. He can only support me. Which he’s continuing to improve on.

Put effort into you. We are so worth it!!!

I’m done letting infidelity rule my life. It’s a part of me but not all of me and my family anymore!

Wishing everyone a Good Friday and a Blessed Easter weekend.

Living through infidelity is hard work.

The white T-shirt that haunts me.

I just had a panic attack going through my husbands laundry from his business trip. I’m like a CSI agent now when his laundry comes home. There were stains on two of his white T-shirt’s he wears under his button down shirts. I felt instant heartbreak and pain.

When my husband came home from his rendezvous with the CW(cunt whore) over Valentine’s Day 2018 I went through his laundry the day after he returned and found a tacky mess on one of his white T-shirt’s. I knew right away what it was and all of my suspensions about who he was with before he had left for the trip that I confronted him with crushed me into the pit of despair. He had used that T-shirt to clean himself up after he slept with her. He’s a creature of habit!! And he brought it home to his wife to wash it!!! I called him at work to confront him and he told me it surely wasn’t what I thought it was. He said it must be his hair gel or he must of used it to clean up a spill etc…. That he loved me and he wasn’t with the CW anymore. Lies, lies, lies. Basically telling me I was crazy for thinking the way I was without saying directly I was crazy. I was dazed and confused on what to think.

I buried that white T-shirt deep into the clothes hamper for a good while. Later on I threw everyone he owned away since I eventually washed it and didn’t want to ever touch that shirt again. Should of burned them instead.

This was the beginning of my weakest mental state in my life and he gaslighted me all ALL THE Way!! My mind wanted so so bad to believe in his lies because if I didn’t I would have to come to terms with the fact that for the 4th time he chose the CW over me, our kids and our life together. Well it took me a few more weeks until I found proof I couldn’t ignore his burner phone with texts from the CW describing their time together that night and leading up to it. I had to face the reality of DDay4.

I panicked today when I first saw the stains. All the emotions from that day in Feb 2018 came rushing back. It took me about 20 mins to start thinking rationally again. I wanted to call and scream at my husband since he already left to play baseball, but I didn’t. I was going to wait till later to throw it in his face like I didn’t do over a year ago I said to myself!!! Plus all the things I didn’t do right back then I’m going to do know!!! I finally came down from my anxiety attack and rationally lined up the stain on his T-shirt to his button up shirt and I think it’s wing sauce. He told he got wings for dinner the one night. On the T-shirt it looked more pinkish(lipstick of course is where my brain went first). The other shirt I’m really sure it’s just blood. Nothing tacky. Just a stain.

I have forgiven myself for the time I allowed myself to be gaslighted by my husband. It still hurts and haunts me though.

It takes me a while to get to my rational brain sometimes in affair recovery, but I’m so thankful I got that part of me back. I’m getting stronger everyday. I just need to be patient with myself.

Living through infidelity is so so hard.

LTI

Broken Girl Inside Of Me

The Broken girl inside of me came out last night. She is the side of me that feels every bit of pain that my husband put upon me from having an affair. Yes I named that part of me.

Tears and pain streamed out of me late last night. The kind of tears that are huge, warm and you need windshield wipers for. My words were calm but filled with the pain I felt. Pretend normal had to end. I couldn’t hide my feelings of the fact that my husband has to travel for work this week to the same State but different city he met the OW aka CW for their now not so secret rendezvous. I couldn’t keep my composure anymore. I had to release my pain.

My husband soothed me through my pain lovingly, but I was still looking for some magic words to come out him to make everything better. I know better. Those words don’t exist. I do appreciate what he did do. He didn’t turn away from my pain. He leaned in.

These moments stir up so many triggering thoughts of why the CW was worth destroying me for a total of 5Ddays!!

My pain screams I don’t want to live like this anymore!! Is the damage just to much to get over? Is it worth going through all this pain to try to get back the wonderful we once had? So far I guess my answer is yes since I’m still with him. Layer by layer. Day by day. Self care and more self care. Therapy and more therapy I’m still here. That’s how wonderful our marriage was.

Today I’m trying my best to look at the facts of right now. I don’t think he is still having an affair. He says he is committed to me and only me. Why would he stay through all this painful recovery work if he wasn’t committed? The problem is the devil on my one shoulder keeps reminding me of being played the fool before by him. Ugh!!!!!!! Go away devil!!!

I have no other choice but to face my husbands work trip head on. I will get through it somehow. My kiddos need me too.

Living through infidelity is so flipping hard!

Juggling Life’s Demands

In a blink of an eye it seems life has gotten so busy again.

We are a baseball family and the season is in full force. My teenage son is on two teams and my husband is the coach of one of them. My husband also plays on an adult league team. Even though our youngest decided he didn’t want to play this year in Little League, every night and the weekend too has been busy this past week. It will be even busier starting this week when games start.

Thanks to my husbands affair and the toll it took on me mentally I’m a bit overwhelmed by the demands of life right now. Before the affair I could handle things and multitask fantastically. Pick up my kid from practice, get everyone dinner, off to the next practice, volunteer my time, clean uniforms, along with all other normal everyday things and repeat most of it the next day. Now not so much. I do it, but I feel like it doesn’t go smoothly. I can’t focus nicely anymore and I hate it. I zig zag my way through it. I’m always looking for when I can take a time out and regroup, since now I need that in my day multiple times a day. Especially if it’s a day that has me triggered.

I’m not sure how I accomplished all of this last year during the worst time of my life. I was only able to live moment by moment. I hardly remember anything but my agonizing pain, depression and anxiety. With the support of my friends, family and my husband picking up my slack somehow everything got handled. We probably ate way to much takeout, I might of been late to games, hardly volunteered my time to our local Little League(somehow I still won Mom of The Year from our local LL, I think it was for all my years past)and looked a hot mess under my sunglasses that I tried to always wear no matter the weather or time of day, but we survived.

Life doesn’t stop just because you are dealing with infidelity. Life keeps on going. At different speeds everyday. If you are also dealing with infidelity you already know this too.

Routine has been a great friend of mine through recovery. Like a child routine makes me happy. More stable. We are so far removed from routine now and for the next many weeks to come. My mind hates it. Anxiety!! How am I going to be able to handle everything? How am I going to be able handle being around our baseball parent friends again? My chit chat game isn’t strong right now.

Added to playing baseball and coaching My hubby is the President of our local Little League even though we have no kids now playing in the league. So this past week for him has been a meeting one night, uniform pickups and distribution other nights and then coaching our oldest sons team in another league. I’ve been getting about 15 mins of quality time with him most week nights before he starts snoring on the couch. I feel more disconnected and it scares me. It makes my Anxiety speak to me! I have gone to bed alone again and I hate it. More Anxiety! That happened a lot during the affair. So I feel then triggered. Ugh! Thankfully we’ve had some time together this weekend. Not as much as I would like but some time.

I want so badly for the multitasking women that I used to be to come back soon. It’s exhausting not being her anymore. I see more and more of myself coming back, but not in this area. I need to find the sweet-spot of time for my healing needs and taking care of our evolving family’s needs. It’s there somewhere.

I’m a day to day kind of gal now. That’s better then moment to moment. I’d like to go back to being able to plan things out a week at a time. That’s how I can make things go more smoothly with the logistics of juggling our busy lives as a family. Life Goals!! Maybe any easier goal is two days at a time.

This week my hubby travels again for a few days on a work trip to the same state but different city that he slept with the CW on their Valentine’s Day Rendezvous. There are no signs currently of the CW but my mind can’t always stop the trauma of what happened. More worry on top of trying to get my head back into the game of juggling life.

I can do this is what I keep on telling myself. It seems a bit silly since it’s just everyday life. Infidelity steals the ease of life from you though…..

The Illusion of Full Transparency

One of my Twitter betrayed spouse friends found out that their spouse opened up a new email account to still communicate with their affair partner. It’s heart breaking for me to hear. I know how a similar devious action feels. It made me rethink about the illusion of full transparency.

Personally I got burned in recovery by thinking my husband was being fully transparent after Dday 2 giving me all his accounts and passwords.

Everyday for weeks I checked almost every account like a private investigator daily. Until on Dday 3 I found him using LinkedIn to communicate once again with the CW(cunt whore FYI). I had the password and easily saw them messaging each other. So this time I guess. It worked.

After that day I would more often do spot checks on his phone. I was still checking often all other accounts. I even found new ways to see what he was up to using Google maps and the history tab it contains since he has an android phone. I found nothing really out of the ordinary for months all while my spidey senses were going off that things just weren’t right.

Well I wasn’t finding anything because my husband was using a burner phone for 3 months!!!!

Where there is a will, there is a way!!

Transparency is an illusion to me.

There is too many ways now a-days to contact someone on the down low. You can open other accounts on social media, new email accounts, burner phones, Snapchat disappears right away, there are apps that let you disguise your phone number in phone calls and texts. Apps that you can disguise what the App really is(read this article on my Husbands burner phone history). Modern technology is a cheaters playground!!! Hell for the ones being cheated on.

If I just freaked you out. I’m sorry. My head would spin every time I would figure out something else to be on the lookout for.

I do believe unfaithful spouses/partners should be transparent as part of the recovery process. It’s a place to start, but only as helpful as a spouse that’s really fully committed to ending their affair.

I still have the sheet with all the accounts and passwords. New things have been added. I thank him, but in my mind I know the reality of things now all to well thanks to him.

I don’t do a lot of PI work anymore because it really messes with my all around well being. All the time I was doing my PI work on my husband my anxiety would be at 100%. My body would shake most of the time while I investigated. I would be exhausted afterwards. Over thought to many things I would come across. I was making something out nothing sometimes.

At the time I needed to do it, but I’m so glad I broke my habit. It was very time consuming too. Hours would go by before I could look away.

I occasionally spot check his cell phone, FB, LinkedIn and check his computer bag where I found his burner phone. I hate when I’m doing it though.

If my husband is up to something again I know I will figure it out. He hasn’t mastered how not give himself away. His demeanor truly changes. I’m so much stronger now. Im pretty sure I will pick up on his signs.

Affair recovery is hard work!

LTI