He Asked Me To Remember

More emotions still swirling from last weeks Marriage Therapy session.

In the midst of a tough dialog in our session my husband looked at me and said he wished I would remember all our years before the affair. All the things he did right for years. I could see in his eyes he fears all I see him now is as a cheating husband. All I could manage to say back was “I know”.

*****It’s hard to remember still a lot of the time that he is more then his affair. He really is. Just like I’m more then just a betrayed wife.*****

My husband for 18 years was wonderful at being my partner and teammate in life. Overtime as I out grew My Childhood BFF he became my best friend . A great father to our children. A fantastic soul financial provider to our family when the decision was made for me to stay home with our boys full time. I rarely had something to complain about that was major in our relationship until the Affair.

The tough dialog was about the fact that I have limited empathy for him in certain areas of our recovery. Also that I’m still struggling on how to forgive him and that probably doesn’t help in my empathy towards him.

My husband is correct though that when things between us go off the rails my attitude a lot of the time towards him is “okay cheater” and not remembering he is “more then a cheater”.

So I’ve been thinking about the fact that yes he hurt me more then words can describe but, we have decided to reconcile and maybe it’s time for my attitude to nudge a bit more towards he is “more then a cheater”. I’m going to have to retrain my thoughts towards the man I love. Stop myself in my my tracks and redirect my emotions when I go to my dark thoughts about him. I’ve been able to redirect my thoughts in other areas of recovery so I have hope.

I’m going to try for him because I do believe in my fractured heart he is more then a cheater.

LTI

@livingthrghinfi Twitter

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My Current Struggle

It’s been a week since or last marriage therapy session and I’m still processing all of it. One thing became clear to me though I need to let go of my desire to want my husband to communicate/flirt/show me attention during his work day. It’s been 2 plus years of me feeling sad most week days because he doesn’t have an urgency or desire to communicate with me like I saw him have the capability to do with the CW. I’m not desiring a 100 texts a day but I’d like a bit more then the average of two a day.

Comparing myself in this area is killing my soul!!!!!!!

The truth is we aren’t that kind of couple. Our courtship 20 plus years ago was slow and steady. We both had been hurt in previous relationships so we both took it slow. Yes we fell in love, had a great/fun time together, memories galore and created a beautiful life and home. Our spark developed overtime. A slow and steady burn. His spark with the CW was reignited instantaneous. The problem is that is the truth. He admits to it.

Between Dday1 and Dday3 we had moments of urgency because we were both afraid of losing each other. That just turned out to be hysterical bonding. Some sporadic moments like this happened after Dday4 but nothing that kept momentum.

My husband isn’t overly romantic but he always has given me beautiful cards, flowers and jewelry throughout the years on appropriate occasions. Never just because though like I saw him do for another women. Or how he spoke so romantically freely to her in the text messages I saw. I get emojis and gifs. He did tell me again in our last session that I didn’t see all the mundane texts he sent her. That I don’t take those into account. Really!!!

I have tried being the one to reach out during the day. Loving and flirty texts but I get resentful for being the pursuer.

I didn’t break us. He should be doing more.

For all the years before his affair I was very happy with the relationship we had together. Until I saw what he was also capable of…….

I need to let it go……

I’m not exactly sure how to though…

I need to continue to remind myself of who we are together slow and steady…..

If I’m able to let it go will I end up resenting him in the long run?

It’s time to move forward from this issue with my husband I’m stuck in because it’s not good for my mental health. Not good at all.

I’m tired of this mental struggle!

LTI

One Sound

All it took was one sound late Saturday night to set off my fears.

We had just got home from having a nice time at our close friends house who live in our neighborhood. It was late and our youngest was tired so when we got home I focused on getting him to bed and my husband stayed outside to have one last cigarette. Normal on his part to do so.

When I came out of my sons room from tucking him in my husband was coming in from the garage when he got to the foyer I heard a chime go off on his phone and BAM my mind went to he’s texting her again just like before. It’s late almost midnight. I talked myself off the ledge of exploding at him as I washed my face. Reminding myself that it could easily that late just have been one of the games he plays alerting to full lives again. Telling myself to trust in him. Okay!!! The thing is everything on his phone is alerted by the same sound so it could be anything.

I didn’t mention it when he got in bed. I knew how the discussion would go. Him getting upset that I’m ruining another good night between us and feeling accused by my fears. Especially since we were both tired and had a couple drinks. I didn’t have it in me to go down this path.

It’s my fears talking to me!! Right!!

Sunday we slept in. He snuggled me into him and I felt reassured for a while and then when the day quieted down I started questioning that sound again. Kept it to myself while I stared at his phone.

This morning I want to go on the internet and check all of his accounts. One sound! One sound at the wrong moment wants unwind all of my progress. We have therapy tomorrow so I’m not going to look at his accounts. I don’t want him to be able to throw that in the mix in our session. I got a bigger issue to talk about. That’s him feeling accused of cheating when I need to talk about my feelings……

Theses are the moments where I wonder if it’s worth it?? Living with the simple sound setting me off at any moment is an exhausting way to live. Is there just to much damage to completely overcome??

LTI

Oldest Son

My oldest son who is 14 years old knows that his Dad had an affair. He found out on Dday2. (I don’t believe he knows about Dday3 &4 though). I thought my son was asleep when I found out. I was wrong. As my husband and I fought in the kitchen our son sat on the steps in the foyer and heard too much. Then when he couldn’t hold his feelings anymore he came into the kitchen and told his father he hated him and asked him why he would do this to me!

The fallout continued for a couple hours as my son put together on his own all the things that seemed off that his father did in his presence. I put no words in the kids mouth. The next morning my husband cowardly ran to work leaving me in my “heap on the floor” state to deal with getting the kids off to school. As I was reassuring our oldest son that morning the best thing he could do for me was go to school and no matter what him, his brother and I would be staying in our home together a triggered memory came to him.

At a recent college football game at my husbands alma mater my son saw him sending pictures and messages while at the game to “just a college friend”. He said to me “it wasn’t a college friend was it”? I told him most likely no it was “her”. He had left out the college “ex girlfriend” and now Other Women part. Tears just gushed out of my son. His feelings of being betrayed too and how tainted his fun time that he had with his dad had become. This was such a heartbreaking moment between us.

Well last night they made plans to go see a football game again for our sons birthday coming up next month. My husband has been given two tickets but offered to buy tickets all together if I wanted to go. Our youngest has no interest so I declined to stay with him.

When we were finally alone I brought up the topic of the last game they went too. I reminded my husband that our son was deeply hurt by the fact that he carried on messaging the CW while with him and that he lied to our son about who he was messaging with. My husband briefly went into defensive mode. Saying that he doesn’t think it affected our son that much. I reminded him that he wasn’t there to witness how it affected our son since he put that on me. His demeanor changed then. I just wanted him to be aware our son could be triggered and he’s going to be the one to have to deal with it. The lovely ripple effect of infidelity.

I then told my husband personally I was triggered into wanting him not to go back ever to his alma mater because I fear the memories that he and the CW share could trigger him into wanting her again. He snapped at me before I finished my thought that “fine they won’t go”. I told him let me finish!!! Listen to me!!! I want you to go I said. It’s irrational for me to demand this from you. It’s just my fears talking. I mean it too. I want him to make a new memory with our son.

I let him sit in his sadness for a bit. He needs too. Then I hugged him because I didn’t want this conversation to divide us. I want these convos to help connect us. If I want us to move forward and be the great teammates we once were in life again I need to be the one that reaches out after hard conversations. I excel in this area where he gets lost in what to do. At this point I’m willing to do this and not resent him for it either. A bit of growth on my part I guess.

I wish my son didn’t know about my husbands affair. I wish I could of shielded him from all the pain. I failed that night in November 2017 but, I don’t know if I could of done it any differently in that moment. I don’t shoulder all the responsibility either. My husband and the CW put us on this path. They deserve most of the blame. It was from this night on my hatred towards her grew and grew. She helped hurt my KID!!!!!

The ripple affects of infidelity suck! Especially when it affects your kids.

LTI

Mission Accomplished

I successfully left infidelity at our doorstep for our trip to Las Vegas!!!!! My mission to have a good time was accomplished!!

The Trip

The trip started out great from the get go. The airline gave me TSA pre approved check in since my husband has it. What a short line at security that was and then we found our friends Ann and John at the gate. Got myself an ice coffee and it was time to have fun together. Soon after Ann’s friends Melissa and Jason arrived at the airport. They seemed super nice and fun from the get go as they went to a bar close to the gate and had champagne at 7am before takeoff. My kind of people.

We would then meet at the hotel after checking in the other couple joining us Kim and Jeff. Nice couple too. We all head to a bar in the hotel to get to know each other. Vacation drinks taste really, really good. Later we would be off on our first adventure. A Pink Jeep Tour of Vegas. It was fun. The tour guide was great and he took us all over. The weather was awesome too. The light show at Fremont St and the Volcano at the Mirage were two of the highlights of our excursion. If you like people watching Fremont St. is the place to go.

The next day my husband and I spent some of our only time alone together exploring the adjoining hotels before Ann and John joined us. We had a relaxing day exploring the Aquarium and then at the pools at the hotel. My favorite was the lazy river pool. We also had some awesome but expensive frozen drinks poolside. They were so awesome that we we ordered another round. The others had lunch plans. Later that evening we were off to the show Ann our birthday has picked out Chris Angel’s Mindfreak. Then to a -5 degree ice bar. That was an experience. Silly me had sandals on. My toes were a tad numb by the time we left. Even our glasses were made of ice. The night capped off with more drinks at the hotel bar and some more alone time playing slot machines with my husband.

Saturday morning we found the hotel tram and took it to the end of the line. We explored the Vegas strip with Ann and John. Beautiful day again. My highlight of all the hotel lobbies we saw was The Bellagio. Harvest was the theme.

We then made an unexpected choice to hail a cab and go to the Stratosphere. Beautiful view from 108 floors up.

Afterwards we rejoined the rest of the group for some gambling around Fremont St again. Wowzers again. Even in the day light the people watching was terrific. We would later have a wonderful birthday dinner on the top floor of an adjoining hotel. Amazing views and food. Would have been a totally romantic place to have dinner for two. Later my husband got his black jack on and we capped of night where we started at the bar for a couple drinks with the group and goodbyes since we were on different flights home.

My personal observations

One of the first moments that stood out to me on the trip was my husband taking my hand to hold on the plan and he took a double take on the fact that I had a wedding band on with my engagement ring. Then he realized it wasn’t my actual ring. It was another ring I had gotten to stack on the other side of my engagement ring years ago. He still seemed pleased though. I’m still not sure how to put my actual wedding band back on.

All through the trip out of the couples we were the most affectionate towards each other. We were always holding hands walking and we did a lot of walking. Over 16 miles in Vegas. Or my husband would be rubbing my back if we were sitting or standing looking at something. I just found it weird with all our problems we were the ones who showed the most physical touch with each other. This is how we have always been though since early on in our relationship and for the most of his affair he would always reach for me.

I handled meeting the other couples like a champ. I was worried but, I was able to just be myself and we all had a good time together. In fact by day two Melissa was telling me how much fun I was and she just loved me. Kim seemed to be trying to figure me out most of the time, but we still had fun. Ann told me that was just her personality and I was spot on with assessment. That made me feel good that my instincts were correct.

I can honestly say that for the first time in 2 plus years I had 4 GREAT DAYS! I loved being with my husband. This gives me hope for our future. We laughed a lot and truly enjoyed being together nonstop. No where to hide on this vacation.

I did have some triggering moments. Most times my husband would leave our room to smoke with his phone with him my mind would want to go “is he going to text her”? I was able to easily shake off.

I was totally in my own way emotionally about going on this trip from the get go and it was exactly what I needed. I needed to be carefree. My husband and I needed to just be us together without our kids. I’m so glad we were able to go. Next time I will not hesitate to go away.

I’m still currently riding the wave of vacation happiness. I know the ride won’t last forever, but I’m enjoying my emotional break for now.

LTI

Leaving “It” At The Door

Tomorrow we leave for our trip to Las Vegas. I’ve decided that I’m going leave Infidelity aka “it” at our door step. When I go out the door of our home it’s all about just living again.

I’m leaving my heavy emotional baggage at home and taking my heavy suitcase instead since I always over pack. How do people just carry on?

I want to have FUN!!!!

I want to enjoy this time with my husband. (We always enjoyed each other’s company before he blew us apart). I know we can still have a good time together.

I want to forget about my problems.

I want to enjoy celebrating my friends birthday. The fun things we have planned. Drinks and great food.

I want to just be “us” for a few days. No kids!!! No kids!!

I’m happy that my mindset has changed about this trip that initially gave me huge anxiety.

I’m looking forward to making new memories and taking untainted pictures together. We need this time together badly too.

Triggers you just need to stay out of my F’ing way! I got no time for you in my plans.

Viva Las Vegas!

LTI

Chicago Layer

My husband is gone on another business trip. This time for a trade show that takes him away over the weekend. He oversees the company booth at the show being put together and sometimes the breakdown after the show so he’s gone usually longer then the actual trade show days. This trade show happens every year at this time and now flip flops between two different cities. So this year he’s back to Chicago.

My Chicago layer in living through infidelity:

2 years ago shortly after Day1 my husband left for 10 days for this trade show. He was never in almost 20years together gone this long for a trade show. Even when he’d supervise both the set up and breakdown of the booth. I was told that they were showing off a special piece of equipment at the show that was being delivered for a job in Chicago and he needed to be there to oversee said equipment.

10 days is a long time to be gone shortly after your wonderful world/marriage blew apart.

It was an excruciating time for me. My world was spinning, I had to take care of the kids by myself while I was falling apart and he was gone with no supervision.

One of the things my husband did on his down time was go to see a Cubs game. Which he told me he sat with his boss and wife. It didn’t sit well with me since I was home dying inside that he was having fun.

So months later after 2 more Ddays while comparing notes with CWs husband he mentions her weekend fall getaway to Chicago with her girlfriends!!! She drove there. He then tells me how she came home with a new Cubs Jersey. I lost my shit!! He didn’t know for sure the dates and he never figured them out either. So coincidence or were they together???

My husband swears they weren’t together at this time. That he didn’t start round two of the affair back up until mid October and he didn’t see her there. His explanation has remained the same for 2 years now. Even while talking about it over a week ago.

I have a really hard time with coincidences between the CW and my husband!!!!! Really, Really had time.

At this point I’ll never get from the CWs husband the dates she was gone. That chapter of talking with him is done and they are divorced. My husband is sticking to his story and since I don’t trust him I’m having a hard time believing his account of this time period with the coincidence lurking in my head too. I was discussing with my dear twitter friend that I need to find away to let this layer go. Im at a dead end with this layer and it still holds power to eat me up inside.

***thank you dear twitter friend for always being just a DM away.

So my trauma or devil on my shoulder keeps on poking at me that it’s drivable!! Drivable for the CW to visit my husband right now!!!! It’s already emotionally draining telling that voice to shut the F’ up!! I got 3 more days to go.

Yes I remind myself that there are no signs of her now. Be in the present.

My husband is cutting this trip short, but that is mainly because we are leaving for Las Vegas on Thursday. I told him I didn’t want to go if the kids would go over a week without seeing him.

I gotta let this layer go!!!! I need to release it!!! Its a dead end!!

LTI