I survived another business trip that my husband was on. I hardly went all CSI on his laundry this time. Major progress from this blog The white T-shirt that haunts me.
We do a lot of video messaging calls while he is away now and it really helps to see him. Modern technology is wonderful sometimes.
In the back of my mind I’m like if the bitch is F’ing there she is waiting under the bed or out in the hall or at the hotel bar for a really long time. Yes I still have these thoughts. No, there are no signs of her in our orbit anymore. Just my bitchy trauma talking to me.
My husband mentioned that he was going shopping with the client he was with on the trip. Jake wanted to find gifts for family members. I joked find me something good with my husband and his response is you know I don’t do that. Meaning he doesn’t bring home gifts or trinkets from his trips. Okay then…..
So guess what he didn’t get the hint, hint that maybe a present for his broken wife would be a nice thing to do.
He gets so stuck in his old ways!!!!!
The night he got home he brought up the discussion of their shopping adventure and I bit my tongue not to say anything to him on his first night home. I suffered my tears in silence.
My trigger is he out of the spontaneous blue while having the affair made a stupid ass excuse for needing to go the mall to get baseball glove conditioner in WINTER so he could really go to the jewelry store to buy The CW a bracelet. He would then ship it to her the next day!!! I remember questioning why it was damn important back then. He kept on telling me wanted to work on both his and our sons gloves. It stayed in bag from Dicks Sporting Goods for months!!!! This past week the baseball glove conditioner was left out after being used. What a knife to the heart. Fucking reminder of the fact that my husband got out of his own way to do something spontaneous for her!!! It definitely stirred emotions up for me.
The thing is I’m no longer mad at the bracelet that she probably still wears like a trophy. I’m mad/envious at the gesture she got from him. Other then my engagement ring 16+ years ago all of my gifts are for special occasions only. Especially jewelry. One of the nicest things he’s given me are the “I’m sorry I fucked the CW” diamond earrings. A birthday present he bought the day after my birthday that was destroyed by finding his burner phone and the real truth. Yep he bought it the day after!! Didn’t have a gift already bought for my kids to give me either. To wrapped up with his mistress. I’ve worn them twice and for some reason even though they are quite real they make my ears itch. Poetic.
I finally brought up the subject with my husband. That it saddens me that he doesn’t hardly think of me this way. Yes I’ve gotten the occasional bouquet of flowers and card from him since all the Ddays. Nothing consistent. He keeps on saying that’s not like him to do these things. He kept saying “she got nothing” and “you have everything”!!!!! I stopped him and said I used to have everything!! Now I have a broken marriage!!! “You took it all away”! His eyes got sadder and I wept. I’m still surprised I still have any tears left.
Yes I still see my marriage as broken and currently we are in the dating stages of seeing if a “re-paired” marriage can happen. We love each other but love isn’t enough. Rebuilding trust is going very, very slowly. The reason why I don’t hardly look at his online accounts anymore is for my own mental health not out of trust.
I told him that’s a big part of our problem now he thinks everything is just restored because he ended the affair 15 months ago and we are still together making pretend normal look easy 90% of the time. Him and I are coming from two different angles.
I need him to do his part in making me feel special again. Our therapist has said in the past that he needs to date and wooo me gain. I am building myself back up but as my husband/partner how we lived prior to the affair doesn’t work now. I need to know I’m thought of! I am a needy partner now.
Like most convos we have, real life ended it.
We have marriage therapy this week. I’m going to bring up the different angles we are coming from.
Will we ever be able to get our marriage truly back on track? I ask myself this often.