I’m finding the need to forgive myself again two years later for a specific moment in time during my husband’s affair.
My husband is the president of a local baseball sports league. Every year on this weekend they always have player evaluations. Today is the day.
I remember two years ago after players evaluations my husband came home to find me depressed and in bed. It had been an emotional week. I had found out through my hyper vigilant detective work that my husband had unblocked the CW on LinkedIn and blocked another person with the same name!!! LinkedIn tells you the number of days you have blocked someone and plus the CW has professional initials after her name. All week he had spun nonstop gaslighting on me that he didn’t do it. She was blocked is what he kept on repeating to me. I had prior to finding this out also told him that I knew she was meeting him on his upcoming business trip over Valentine’s Day(I was right too) which he was also denying!!! He conveniently told me about this business trip at the end of a marriage therapy session. I still think this was a calculated move on his part. Although he says not.
When he found me in bed he got in and held me. Kissed me on the forehead. He kept on telling me I had nothing to worry about even as my meek self at that time kept on saying I know your lying. I wanted so bad to believe him, that somehow I allowed his gaslighting to take control of my thoughts.
Later I would find proof on my husband’s burner phone that I wasn’t crazy. In fact I was spot-on on everything. I saw the CW tell my husband to unblock her on LinkedIn and block someone else. She knew I looked and I believe wanted us in more turmoil before their Valentine’s Day rendezvous. He did what she told him to do. They were communicating through his burner phone and her texting app. Why was there a need to unblock then? I also saw him tell her that I was VERY SUSPICIOUS of her joining him on his business trip and that they feared I would contact her husband. My VINDICATION was at a high price. Bitter sweet indeed.
Today I find the need to forgive the fragile women I was two years ago. My husband’s gaslighting, my depression, anxiety and brokenness were working against me. Everyday this week I’m going to need to forgive myself for the path that I allowed myself to stay on and the gut wrenching pain of the White T-shirt day. (A previous blog that I’m not able to link now for some reason.)
I’m learning over and over again that forgiving myself is a continual process. No wonder I don’t have time to think about and process forgiving my husband also. I’m first in line for my forgiveness and he’s in the back.
Hard emotional week ahead, but I got this! Selfcare, self love and kindness are in order.
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