Stifled

It’s been a while since my last blog. I have been feeling stifled by all that has been going on in our home. I haven’t had much private time to myself during the quarantine. The time I did have I’ve tried my best to take care of my evolving self care routine due to homeschooling, my husband working from home and running errands being more stressful then they used to be.

Finally, we recently got out of stay at home orders!!!!

We are unofficially done with school!!! One less thing to deal with.

My husband and I are stable. Nothing new to report. He’s still happy to be here. I still feel like he’s not doing anything wrong, but not doing enough. For most of quarantine we haven’t talked about his affair or the state of our marriage. We briefly talked the other night after a tv show had an infidelity reference in it. Or rather I talked he didn’t say much like normal.

For the most part I’ve accepted all the layers of his affair. I’ve healed tremendously. The problem is the current state of us. I have openly told him I refuse to keep us afloat by myself. If he wants us to continue to drift away even more from each other romantically then that’s what going to happen. He needs to stop with his “I don’t know what to do” attitude. I reminded him he didn’t know how to have an affair until he did!

Maybe it’s time to revisit marriage therapy again.

Until recently it’s been months since I’ve given much thought about the CW rearing her ugly self back into his life. My husband’s 50th birthday is coming up soon. I’ve been struggling putting his party together. I was blaming it on Covid19 restrictions, but I finally realized it’s because a voice in my head is screaming DANGER! DANGER! It’s an excuse for the CW to reach out to him.

That’s how it all started 3 years ago. She wished him happy birthday on LinkedIn.

I can’t control what she does. If she reaches out I hope he discloses it to me right away. Here is the thing though I still don’t TRUST that he will. I give him 50/50 odds. It’s an improvement from the odds I would have given him 1year ago. Still not great. He always F’ing protected her. Protected himself! I always took the bullet!

I always took the bullets….that’s the part that haunts me still!

I remind myself at this time that Control is an Illusion!

I won’t let the days until his birthday get the best of me. What if’s can’t control me! I trust myself! I trust my gut!

LTI

3 thoughts on “Stifled

  1. Our minds can be our own worst enemy. Learning to accept the fact that you can’t control what your partner is doing is terrifying because it is your heart and your family that is at risk. Fortunately for me, unfortunately for my marriage, I am learning to detach myself from my husband’s actions because I am done with the drama, and I have stopped trying to control him so there is a lot less drama. Does it mean that I trust him ? Absolutely not ! But at least my heart and my family is protected from his drama. I hope everything turns out ok with the birthday party, you are a wonderful wife for even planning it !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We all want to control our own lives, and sometimes it feels as if we do have control. However, as you point out, control is only ever an illusion. I see that for myself as well. It was good for me to be reminded that ‘what ifs’ can ruin our peace of mind, and play havoc with our anxiety, yet that way of thinking is something we can control!! Thanks for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

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