Feels Good

A couple days ago I was in our pool with my youngest son and I had my back to him swimming around. I could here him telling himself quietly “I can do it” over and over. I knew right away what he was pumping himself up for and I smiled to myself. He’s been trying to swim the length of the pool underwater in a single breath. I cheered him on softly when I heard him take off. HE DID IT! I was so excited for him and for myself. I didn’t miss this moment like so many others over the past 3 summers. One summer suspecting something was wrong and two more stuck in waves and layers of affair recovery. Those missed times were he’d ask if I saw him do something and I would smile and shake my head yes while I was dying inside. Most of those times I was looking at him, but right through him. Those moments that made me feel like a shitty mother then too.

It feels so good to be really really present again in my life, both of my sons lives, family, friends and believe it or not my husband’s.

This past weekend I had different friends over three days in a row to hangout poolside. No hesitation that it might be to much for me to handle. Gone are days of worrying I wouldn’t have enough “me time” to deal with my overwhelming anxiety and emotions from the fallout of his affair.

It feels good to be able to read fiction books again. The past years I would get so frustrated reading because I would get lost in my thoughts only to have to reread over and over again. I would just give up on the book at hand. I turned to puzzles instead for an escape.

I’m still smiling thinking of my son’s accomplishment. I think watching him swim the length of the pool will forever bring a smile to my face.

Here’s to healing!

Here’s to being present!

Here’s to LIVING AGAIN!

LTI

6 thoughts on “Feels Good

  1. I have always been an avid reader. I devour books! Since his affair, I’ve been carrying around the same book for 3 months and just now turned to page 200. Before? I would have been on page 200 within 48 hours.

    Liked by 1 person

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