It’s been few days now that I’ve been pondering a conversation (for lack of a better word) between my husband and I. What has been reinforced to me again by his words is he will never REALLY get any understanding about how it feels to be ME after what he did.

We were in bed about to go to sleep. I was tired. The tv was on and I rolled over to lay on his chest for a moment before going to sleep. As I settled in something mentioned on the tv prompted him to say “you have it easy or good, I give you nothing to worry about during the day”! I jolted up. I just said “Really, nothing to worry about. The sad thing is you actually believe it”!

I rolled over and dead silence and he stayed on his side of the bed.

The way he said too it was like he wanted a gold star for however long he’s actually been a good boy now!!

No gold star honey! You get to stay living with me and your family. That’s your reward.

The problem is Dday1 – Dday4. I live with the after affect of that everyday. No worries there right. No lingering trust issues either.

He still looks at me as the women I was prior to his affair. That women had her depression and anxiety under control. Self assured with hardly a worry. Things are much better for me now, but come on my husband recognize or rather embrace my struggles that aren’t a secret.

2 plus years out from the last bomb that went off and I still worry. The difference is I’m stronger and remind myself I have no control other then how I would react if it happened again.

We still haven’t spoken about his comment yet and yesterday he stepped on my cat! It was his fault and he blamed my cat for always being underfoot. Far from the truth and let’s just say all my pent up frustration came out on him to stand up for my cats honor. Don’t Fuck with my cats. I will come after you! ***Please note him the cat have this weird bond together too. He won’t admit it but he loves the cat.

I probably was a bit extreme yesterday morning, but I realize where it came from.

I want something my husband is incapable of giving me. That’s to embrace me for who I am now…….

I think he’s afraid too?

Here’s to healing!!

Here’s to moving forward!!

Here’s to living again!!


4 thoughts on “REALLY!!!

  1. I don’t think we ever go back to the person we were before d-day. We can recover some of our old self again (thank goodness) but experiencing and processing something as traumatic as this inevitably leaves its mark. There is so much loss that it’s not surprising that the grieving process is long and complicated.
    I think it is even harder to recover if your husband doesn’t “get” the devastation he has caused … and isn’t devastated himself by the pain HE has caused you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My husband is a compartmentalizer. Diagnosed by our therapist and I agree.
      He allowed himself in the beginning feel the feels and then as I have moved forward I think the compartmentalized all the bad. Just wants to see the good and here and now. He’s not doing anything wrong anymore so there is nothing to worry about.


      1. I suspect compartmentalizing – and breathing a sigh of relief that you seem to be doing OK – is a way of not being ovecome with feelings of guilt and shame. It doesn’t help you, though.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 100% his way doesn’t help me. I have to spend to much time figuring out what he really means by his insensitive/wrong words at times.
        I know he loves me and I know he is beyond sorry for what he put me/us through.
        He hasn’t dealt enough with his shame and guilt though.

        Liked by 1 person

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