A recent interaction with my husband left me realizing that the Infidelity War between us is over. There was no real winner of this War between us. We both are survivors of it. What remains for me now are the scars on my heart. I’m thinking my husband has self inflicted scars on his too.
The scars are from piecing my broken heart back together from the war. Every painstaking piece. Some of my scars just twinge a little when hit upon, but others hurt like HELL still. These scars still need to addressed when a flare up happens. Addressed not just by myself all the time. He needs to support me through these moments instead of embracing his shame and guilt that then puts a wall up between us. This is his cycle he needs to break!
My husband always thinks in these flare up moments that I’m going backwards in moving forward. Or his favorite phrase “putting this behind us”. I tell him he is wrong. He’s the one that takes himself back to the War between us days. I’m present with my pain. My present pain in our marriage is usually what rubs my scars the wrong way. There is no need to reignite the War as far as I’m concerned. I never want to wake up again everyday saying to myself “here we go again” like I did during the War. “Here we go again” wake ups have now been replaced by virtual learning/homeschooling for my kids. Piece of cake though handling it compared to the War.
I want now to reconnect with my husband and him to reconnect with me. The War changed us both. Pretend normal land isn’t going to get us there. I blogged about pretend normal land in this blog Versions. Love isn’t enough to get us there either.
I feel like another big layer has lifted in my healing. I feel lighter in my spirit and soul. Healing it sneaks up on me all the time.
The War has been over for a good while now. I think both of us were both too shell shocked to acknowledge it. I wonder if I still appear to my husband that I’m holding onto my weapons of war?? He sure is quick to put up his defensive shield still in my eyes…..hmmm
To moving forward!
Lyrics from one on my favorite songs and band. Sure took on a new meaning for me the past 3 years.