My birthday/Dday4 is coming up soon. This time around I’m feeling really pissed off and angry that his extreme selfishness with his affair tarnished my day! Dday4 was the most painful day of my life. The only gift I got that day was that I knew with out a doubt I wasn’t going crazy. Some force or guardian Angel(probably my Dad he wouldn’t think twice about tough love) lead me to find that burner phone. Horrible timing though.
**** I loved celebrating my birthday as an adult by being with friends and family. My friend group has never been about the gifts, it’s about experiencing fun and special times together. Plus good food and cocktails.
The first go around I was still pretty numb in healing, but I remember feeling angry. I didn’t plan anything, but one of my close girlfriends sent me a text and said I’m coming to pick you up get ready. We went somewhere and had yummy blood orange margaritas and good conversation. The second time around I focused on reclaiming my day. I know we went out to dinner as a family, but I don’t remember much more then that. (Maybe in the coming days FB memories will fill in my blanks). Part of it is because my husband didn’t plan more then that. I think that’s the problem. I was so focused on reclaiming the day that I don’t even really remember it. Sometimes maybe I think I’ve rushed to fast to reclaim the days he ruined.
This year I want justice or retribution for my birthday loss. What is that though? Financial settlement….well half is already mine. Him to wear a shame sign or hat…well then the secret would be out. Physical settlement like kicking him in balls or good throat punch! I’m a lover not a fighter.
**** I just thought of a good gift idea a punching bag.
There really isn’t any justice to be had for the fact that I now cringe when birthday cards catch me off guard when arriving earlier then expected in my mailbox for me and then hide them out of sight. I’ll open them on my birthday no worries. Or when I get anxiety over a sweet text from a close friend wanting to know what I want to do for my birthday and she will plan it all since usually that’s my roll in our friend group. Or that I struggle to come up with a gift idea for my birthday when my husband asks because no gift will erase the pain.
Maybe that’s why I’m agitated. There is no justice to be had. Just more acceptance. Hard emotional acceptance. It’s on ME once again to make it better. Just once in this process I want him to fix something, but that’s impossible. It would be the ultimate present though.
Dday4/Birthday will come around once again. It’s unstoppable. I’m just going to let unfold. Maybe I’ll go out shopping or binge watch the day away. I’ll wait to see if my husband does any of the suggestions he asked me for. I won’t be depressed in bed or finding solace in bottle of vodka or wine. I’m beyond that in my healing. I won’t stop myself from feeling the feels though.
I’m still moving forward, healing and living again.