Hypocrite

That’s how I feel about myself right now. I’m a hypocrite to myself.

I set a few boundaries after my husband’s affair. He chose to cross the line on one of them and lie to me. More then one lie let’s be honest. Lies.

It’s been over two months since I found out my husband was lying to me and carrying on an inappropriate female friendship with yet another woman from his past. He really, really loves to relive his past. He’s like a moth drawn to a flame. Let’s call his friend Dee. Dee decided after separating from her husband (who was also a childhood friend of my husband’s) to reconnect with friends. My husband I think topped her list. All it took again was a message through this time FB and a texting spree ensued.

I had felt a shift in us in March. Especially after all my hard Ddays where done. I told him so and he used the excuse of all the hard days I was getting over. Nothing was wrong he said. Truth is I was going through my hard days and he was reaching out to Dee. Giving energy to her when it should of been to me. To our marriage. Blah blah blah….

So on the day of my youngest son’s birthday gathering I picked up my husband’s buzzing phone which I haven’t checked in months because I was choosing to trust him again. I saw a text message from her. I confronted him and he lied. I put on my everything is ok mask and got through my son’s gathering that included my parents, sister and brother-in-law. I was falling apart inside wishing my mom could hold and sooth me but that couldn’t happen. The next day I figured out who it was. Cue the turmoil that ensues afterwards.

I contacted Dee three different times and sent her a Facebook friend request. No response.

The gist I got from him was that he knew he was doing something wrong but justified it because it wasn’t the same as what he did with the CW. He is adamant it wasn’t an emotional affair either. Only he knows the truth…. Or maybe he can’t recognize what the truth is anymore.

In the end it doesn’t matter what he justified it as because the fallout is that 3 years of rebuilding trust has now been destroyed. (I didn’t realize how far I had come in my recovery path until that moment). Along with my hope for us. I RESENT him for this too!

I’m struggling now again with my dark depression. I have a lot of sadness I’m weeding through. My struggle is real with my life long battle. My therapist reminded me that I’m doing better then I’m actually giving myself credit for. I’m not losing days in my dark place. Only moments. Keeping my energy mainly focused on my kids, the family household and I.

I keep on coming back to my internal struggle of being a hypocrite to myself. I said that if he crossed a boundary or disrespected me again I was done. He used all of his nine lives(cat terminology). I would pack his bags for him. Guess what I didn’t do that. I wanted to, but I looked at my kids and couldn’t. We talked of divorce/separation more then once and we both got very upset. So we both tabled the discussion. We still are working well as a family and household amazingly. Pretend normal land again.

I have childhood issues with divorce. My childhood was rocked by my parents divorce when I was 6 years old. Both my parents moved on quickly with other people. I ended up with wicked stepmother and stepfather who wasn’t always kind either. I was the youngest and in the way I felt of both blended families. My parents always chose their new spouses. My depression started by the time I was 10 years old. By the time I was 13 years old I had been in two mental hospitals for sever depression.

Judge me all you want for still staying. You don’t need to comment you need to leave him etc. I’m telling myself this often since he can’t RESPECT me or our marriage. Trauma is a bitch. I have deep anxiety of not being in control of my kids everyday life. I fear who my husband could bring into my kids lives since he’s been making selfish choices. Especially our youngest. He is super sensitive and a lot like me.

You might want to say I’m burring my head in the sand staying. My eyes actually are so wide open now that hope has left. I see what we are.

I’m not looking for sympathy or tough love. I just thought I should update where I’m at. Especially since I found recently on Twitter that I’m not the only one in this place.

I asked my husband if he wanted an open marriage? He looked at me dumbfounded! Like why would I think that! Umm, I don’t think it’s that far fetched. Then I realized that he wouldn’t want me to have anyone else.

He’s asked what he can do and I told him to figure himself out. Why can’t he resist these women from his past? I can’t do it for him. I’ve tried in the past foolishly to do so.

After all of this happened because of my depression I withdrew from my close girlfriends, family and support tribe on Twitter to regroup. I’m peeking out of my protective bubble more and more that I put myself in.

There is a price he’s paying though. He’s lost a big part of my heart since I could feel it harden. My intimate trust in him and my hope. Maybe once again what I thought the repercussions were going to be wasn’t so.

So once again I will find my footing to live again. I will!

LTI

Justice For My Birthday

My birthday/Dday4 is coming up soon. This time around I’m feeling really pissed off and angry that his extreme selfishness with his affair tarnished my day! Dday4 was the most painful day of my life. The only gift I got that day was that I knew with out a doubt I wasn’t going crazy. Some force or guardian Angel(probably my Dad he wouldn’t think twice about tough love) lead me to find that burner phone. Horrible timing though.

**** I loved celebrating my birthday as an adult by being with friends and family. My friend group has never been about the gifts, it’s about experiencing fun and special times together. Plus good food and cocktails.

The first go around I was still pretty numb in healing, but I remember feeling angry. I didn’t plan anything, but one of my close girlfriends sent me a text and said I’m coming to pick you up get ready. We went somewhere and had yummy blood orange margaritas and good conversation. The second time around I focused on reclaiming my day. I know we went out to dinner as a family, but I don’t remember much more then that. (Maybe in the coming days FB memories will fill in my blanks). Part of it is because my husband didn’t plan more then that. I think that’s the problem. I was so focused on reclaiming the day that I don’t even really remember it. Sometimes maybe I think I’ve rushed to fast to reclaim the days he ruined.

This year I want justice or retribution for my birthday loss. What is that though? Financial settlement….well half is already mine. Him to wear a shame sign or hat…well then the secret would be out. Physical settlement like kicking him in balls or good throat punch! I’m a lover not a fighter.

**** I just thought of a good gift idea a punching bag.

There really isn’t any justice to be had for the fact that I now cringe when birthday cards catch me off guard when arriving earlier then expected in my mailbox for me and then hide them out of sight. I’ll open them on my birthday no worries. Or when I get anxiety over a sweet text from a close friend wanting to know what I want to do for my birthday and she will plan it all since usually that’s my roll in our friend group. Or that I struggle to come up with a gift idea for my birthday when my husband asks because no gift will erase the pain.

Maybe that’s why I’m agitated. There is no justice to be had. Just more acceptance. Hard emotional acceptance. It’s on ME once again to make it better. Just once in this process I want him to fix something, but that’s impossible. It would be the ultimate present though.

Dday4/Birthday will come around once again. It’s unstoppable. I’m just going to let unfold. Maybe I’ll go out shopping or binge watch the day away. I’ll wait to see if my husband does any of the suggestions he asked me for. I won’t be depressed in bed or finding solace in bottle of vodka or wine. I’m beyond that in my healing. I won’t stop myself from feeling the feels though.

I’m still moving forward, healing and living again.

LTI

December Wish

On this Christmas Eve Eve I wanted to make a Christmas wish for us all to find JOY this holiday season. A joyful moment, minute, hour or day that I hope turns into a wonderful new memory. We deserve new memories!

In this joyful moment I hope we find PEACE. A tranquil moment that will feel like a warm hug that will bring a smile to our faces.

No matter where you are in your healing journey the holidays can be hard. I know. This will be my 4th since my world was blown apart. I went from just getting through them to enjoying them again. From staring at a spinning ornament on our Christmas tree wondering how I was going to make it through it all and now to just taking in the beauty of the season.

That spinning ornament got me through so much anxiety 4 years ago. My focus point. It was so special to me before hand because it belonged to my MomMom. It as like she was holding my hand when I needed her the most. I still find myself mesmerized by it spinning.

Here’s to living again!

Seasons Greetings!

Merry Christmas 🎄

LTI

Dust Keeps On Settling

The dust keeps settling in my path of healing. What becomes visible is the fact that my relationship with my husband lacks any spark. We are the word Meh.

We are a bit more then just roommates and parents together. We love each other but I think we both lack in the “in love” part of our relationship. I know that relationships go through different stages. Is it a stage or a permanent scar from infidelity?

I was on a bit of an Ah-ha moment high after I figured out the war was over between my husband and I. I felt lighter all around and still do personally in other aspects of my life. Then the reality of us hit again. He’s not doing much to rekindle our relationship. I actually think I get less from him then before the affair. Maybe it’s because I refuse to take the lead in rekindling us. He would ride the wave I created for us in the past before the affair. Maybe it’s because he is still buried in his shame and guilt he hasn’t dealt with.

In the midst of trying to save us early on in recovery there was such an urgency between us. Now……well he’s happy to still be here and I’m asking myself the question am I still happy to be here? I’m happy to have my family intact especially in this Covid19 time. My marriage…….it’s complicated.

When I bring up to my husband my Meh feelings about us and what he wants he keeps on telling me “I’m all in”. Meaning all in our marriage. I think his all in is being a good boy again and not cheating. A good provider for our family. It doesn’t include rekindling us. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how so he’s not going to try to figure it out. Truth is I’m not completely sure how to rekindle us either.

Have I personally changed on my healing path that I no longer feel or connect with his “all in”? Or him in general? I have moments where I feel like a stranger in my marriage.

I still feel I deserve So Much more from him after all the Shit he put me through! I know my resentment in this area towards him isn’t helping things on my end.

Is the fact that I have a faithful husband again enough?

There are so many gray areas in my recovery path back to my marriage. Is that what years 2.5 through 5 in affair recovery are for? Dealing with the gray areas?

Here’s to living again!

LTI

The Power Of Writing

The power of writing out feelings is amazing. I can’t believe how much blogging has helped me heal. Thank you again Newman for nudging me to start my blog.

I can’t believe how different I feel after writing my last blog The War Is Over…Scars Remain. This huge weight has lifted from me. My perspective has changed.

I needed to write out and acknowledge that the Infidelity War is over between us. Really let it sink in. I’m positive now that I was still carrying some of my weapons of war around with me daily still. Didn’t realize it. I’ve released them like a mic drop moment.

In my therapy session last week I talked about forgiveness again. How over the summer I thought I had gotten to the place of forgiveness with my husband but there was no “Ah-ha Moment” for me so I was confused. I sure got the Ah-ha moment I was hoping for with this acknowledgment.

I see and feel my husband differently now. Only I could make this happen. Hugging, touching and holding his hand feel more loving and free.

I have both feet now in the rebuilding stage of our marriage. Things aren’t perfect, but we are trying. Time will tell. It’s okay that things aren’t perfect. It doesn’t take away from the healing that’s happened.

I’m headed into a girls trip weekend feeling great. No extra emotional baggage coming with me this year. My personal belongings are heavy enough 😉.

If you aren’t journaling or blogging give it a try. It is a great healing tool.

Here’s to healing and moving forward!

There is life again after Infidelity!

LTI

The War Is Over…Scars Remain

A recent interaction with my husband left me realizing that the Infidelity War between us is over. There was no real winner of this War between us. We both are survivors of it. What remains for me now are the scars on my heart. I’m thinking my husband has self inflicted scars on his too.

The scars are from piecing my broken heart back together from the war. Every painstaking piece. Some of my scars just twinge a little when hit upon, but others hurt like HELL still. These scars still need to addressed when a flare up happens. Addressed not just by myself all the time. He needs to support me through these moments instead of embracing his shame and guilt that then puts a wall up between us. This is his cycle he needs to break!

My husband always thinks in these flare up moments that I’m going backwards in moving forward. Or his favorite phrase “putting this behind us”. I tell him he is wrong. He’s the one that takes himself back to the War between us days. I’m present with my pain. My present pain in our marriage is usually what rubs my scars the wrong way. There is no need to reignite the War as far as I’m concerned. I never want to wake up again everyday saying to myself “here we go again” like I did during the War. “Here we go again” wake ups have now been replaced by virtual learning/homeschooling for my kids. Piece of cake though handling it compared to the War.

I want now to reconnect with my husband and him to reconnect with me. The War changed us both. Pretend normal land isn’t going to get us there. I blogged about pretend normal land in this blog Versions. Love isn’t enough to get us there either.

I feel like another big layer has lifted in my healing. I feel lighter in my spirit and soul. Healing it sneaks up on me all the time.

The War has been over for a good while now. I think both of us were both too shell shocked to acknowledge it. I wonder if I still appear to my husband that I’m holding onto my weapons of war?? He sure is quick to put up his defensive shield still in my eyes…..hmmm

To healing!

To moving forward!

LTI

Lyrics from one on my favorite songs and band. Sure took on a new meaning for me the past 3 years.