REALLY!!!

It’s been few days now that I’ve been pondering a conversation (for lack of a better word) between my husband and I. What has been reinforced to me again by his words is he will never REALLY get any understanding about how it feels to be ME after what he did.

We were in bed about to go to sleep. I was tired. The tv was on and I rolled over to lay on his chest for a moment before going to sleep. As I settled in something mentioned on the tv prompted him to say “you have it easy or good, I give you nothing to worry about during the day”! I jolted up. I just said “Really, nothing to worry about. The sad thing is you actually believe it”!

I rolled over and dead silence and he stayed on his side of the bed.

The way he said too it was like he wanted a gold star for however long he’s actually been a good boy now!!

No gold star honey! You get to stay living with me and your family. That’s your reward.

The problem is Dday1 – Dday4. I live with the after affect of that everyday. No worries there right. No lingering trust issues either.

He still looks at me as the women I was prior to his affair. That women had her depression and anxiety under control. Self assured with hardly a worry. Things are much better for me now, but come on my husband recognize or rather embrace my struggles that aren’t a secret.

2 plus years out from the last bomb that went off and I still worry. The difference is I’m stronger and remind myself I have no control other then how I would react if it happened again.

We still haven’t spoken about his comment yet and yesterday he stepped on my cat! It was his fault and he blamed my cat for always being underfoot. Far from the truth and let’s just say all my pent up frustration came out on him to stand up for my cats honor. Don’t Fuck with my cats. I will come after you! ***Please note him the cat have this weird bond together too. He won’t admit it but he loves the cat.

I probably was a bit extreme yesterday morning, but I realize where it came from.

I want something my husband is incapable of giving me. That’s to embrace me for who I am now…….

I think he’s afraid too?

Here’s to healing!!

Here’s to moving forward!!

Here’s to living again!!

LTI

One Selfie

Good old Facebook memories today showed me the selfie I took of my husband and I looking all HAPPY on a date night at one of our favorite restaurants 3 years ago. I remember being happy together that night. We loved to go there to eat outside on their deck. We were doing Covid19 dinning before it was a thing.

This picture and that date night was just days before the CW made contact on LinkedIn about meeting for dinner while she was in town. All the lies started then.

This one picture I studied often after I put together the timeline of their affair. I searched within it for the answers to so many questions. Mainly how did he let go of my hand so easily and grasp hers?

I wondered also if the CW saw this picture when I posted it because at that point I thought they were Facebook friends from college. Not exes. Did she see him and say to herself I want him back? I should message him to meet? My happiness was what she deserved? Reclaim what was once hers? Did this picture spur her on to make contact with him? Just thoughts I had back then. I will never know.

The picture really never gave me any answers. Just more questions.

Today this picture reminds me that things can change in a blink of an eye. I can’t control the future. Only my actions and reactions. Also that if he ever let’s go of my hand again he will never be given the chance to hold it again.

No tears today. Just been lost in thoughts.

Here’s to healing!

Here’s to moving forward!

Here’s to Living again!

LTI

Feels Good

A couple days ago I was in our pool with my youngest son and I had my back to him swimming around. I could here him telling himself quietly “I can do it” over and over. I knew right away what he was pumping himself up for and I smiled to myself. He’s been trying to swim the length of the pool underwater in a single breath. I cheered him on softly when I heard him take off. HE DID IT! I was so excited for him and for myself. I didn’t miss this moment like so many others over the past 3 summers. One summer suspecting something was wrong and two more stuck in waves and layers of affair recovery. Those missed times were he’d ask if I saw him do something and I would smile and shake my head yes while I was dying inside. Most of those times I was looking at him, but right through him. Those moments that made me feel like a shitty mother then too.

It feels so good to be really really present again in my life, both of my sons lives, family, friends and believe it or not my husband’s.

This past weekend I had different friends over three days in a row to hangout poolside. No hesitation that it might be to much for me to handle. Gone are days of worrying I wouldn’t have enough “me time” to deal with my overwhelming anxiety and emotions from the fallout of his affair.

It feels good to be able to read fiction books again. The past years I would get so frustrated reading because I would get lost in my thoughts only to have to reread over and over again. I would just give up on the book at hand. I turned to puzzles instead for an escape.

I’m still smiling thinking of my son’s accomplishment. I think watching him swim the length of the pool will forever bring a smile to my face.

Here’s to healing!

Here’s to being present!

Here’s to LIVING AGAIN!

LTI

A Shift

I sent my husband this video blog by Affair Recovery about two weeks ago right before his birthday and he must of really listened to it.

His demeanor with me has changed. He’s taken down one of his defensive walls.

His birthday party went really well. He thanked me at least 5 times that day for all I did for him. It was really nice to be appreciated that much.

I’ve longed to be thanked this way for all I’ve done to restore our marriage and I think that’s part of what these thank you’s meant. Forehead kisses and all when I was busy being the hostess with mostess.

I did hit an emotionally and physically exhausted wall the next day after I finished cleaning up from the party.

He’s also gone back to working from his office. This has added to both of us being able to breathe a little easier. Funny thing at his office he’s doing what I suggested listening to music instead of nonstop news channels. When he told me this I did hit him with a pillow. Playfully cursed at him too. This has helped his demeanor also I believe.

I must be healed more than I thought because I’m not triggered at all when he kisses me goodbye in the morning anymore. I’m not counting and comparing how many times he contacts me during the day. Yesterday we snuggled for a long time after his alarm went off to the point he was late for work. He’s never late for work. Not that anyone is watching his arrival, but he’s a man of being on time or early. It was worth waking up early with him. The night before he left work early by his standard to swim with our youngest son and I.

Like always time and actions will tell.

I’m enjoying this shift in him, in myself and in us.

LTI

Stifled

It’s been a while since my last blog. I have been feeling stifled by all that has been going on in our home. I haven’t had much private time to myself during the quarantine. The time I did have I’ve tried my best to take care of my evolving self care routine due to homeschooling, my husband working from home and running errands being more stressful then they used to be.

Finally, we recently got out of stay at home orders!!!!

We are unofficially done with school!!! One less thing to deal with.

My husband and I are stable. Nothing new to report. He’s still happy to be here. I still feel like he’s not doing anything wrong, but not doing enough. For most of quarantine we haven’t talked about his affair or the state of our marriage. We briefly talked the other night after a tv show had an infidelity reference in it. Or rather I talked he didn’t say much like normal.

For the most part I’ve accepted all the layers of his affair. I’ve healed tremendously. The problem is the current state of us. I have openly told him I refuse to keep us afloat by myself. If he wants us to continue to drift away even more from each other romantically then that’s what going to happen. He needs to stop with his “I don’t know what to do” attitude. I reminded him he didn’t know how to have an affair until he did!

Maybe it’s time to revisit marriage therapy again.

Until recently it’s been months since I’ve given much thought about the CW rearing her ugly self back into his life. My husband’s 50th birthday is coming up soon. I’ve been struggling putting his party together. I was blaming it on Covid19 restrictions, but I finally realized it’s because a voice in my head is screaming DANGER! DANGER! It’s an excuse for the CW to reach out to him.

That’s how it all started 3 years ago. She wished him happy birthday on LinkedIn.

I can’t control what she does. If she reaches out I hope he discloses it to me right away. Here is the thing though I still don’t TRUST that he will. I give him 50/50 odds. It’s an improvement from the odds I would have given him 1year ago. Still not great. He always F’ing protected her. Protected himself! I always took the bullet!

I always took the bullets….that’s the part that haunts me still!

I remind myself at this time that Control is an Illusion!

I won’t let the days until his birthday get the best of me. What if’s can’t control me! I trust myself! I trust my gut!

LTI

No Escaping….

Funny how things change while living through infidelity. When everything happened and I was processing all of my emotions I wanted my husband in my sights as much as possible. A lot of that had to do with trying to control as much as possible in my world that was spinning out of control.

Now, I realize less time together is better. Or maybe less forced time together. Who the heck am I saying this??? In previous blogs I longed for more time together!!!!!! I need to reflect on this thought process.

We are under a Stay at Home order due to Covid-19 like so many people are. I feel like there is no escaping my husband. It’s driving me a bit crazy too. He has positioned himself in our kitchen to work from home, since he hates his office space in the basement. The kitchen is the heart of our home.

I’ve started having some rage feelings towards my husband as I see so much of the man that traumatized me for months with his affair. I want to give him a middle finger salute as I pass by. I guess I have limit of how much I can be with him in a confined stressful situation. This is also showing me I have layers of trauma I still need to deal with. I didn’t feel this way towards him when we were away on vacation. We were busy doing fun things though. I enjoyed being with him. The world isn’t much fun right now for any of us!!

I was putting the dishes away recently and my husband started talking to me. He has a habit of starting a conversation and then taking a long pause before he spits out the rest. My annoyance showed on my face mainly because I thought he was going to start talking about politics. He was watching a news channel on the TV. He called me out on it too and I zinged him with “I’m sorry I don’t hang on your every word like someone else did”!! RAGE! Silence then bestowed us for the next few hours. I zinged him two weeks ago too. I can’t stop the ZINGS!

Almost every where I go the man that hurt me is there!!! I’ll go days where I don’t feel this way towards him. Then a switch goes off it’s just to much togetherness. Stress, anxiety and a bit of depression = the switch.

The stress and anxiety of Covid-19 has nothing on Infidelity. I can handle everything coming my way, but I’m not going to lie as a mom I am feeling more and more the weight on my shoulders to keep my family safe in both decision making and in disinfecting our home. My husband and I don’t completely agree on social distancing from friends or the amount of Lysol I spray on hard surfaces.

My whole self care routine has been turned upside down like many others during this time. I never realized how much mental balance and stability my routines give me. I crave peace and quiet as I go throughout my day like when the kids would be at school and my husband at work. I crave alone time!!! Stressful grocery store outings don’t count as alone time. Now I have the noise of life 24/7 in our home. My workouts are fit in around homeschooling my youngest son. I know, I know I could wake up earlier. If I walk outside my youngest son wants to be included in my walks. I love that he wants to go with me, but at times I wish I was zoning out to my music or a podcast alone. I will never deny him though. He needs the physical activity too.

I need to find my new rhythm in life now. We have another month at least of living this way in store like so many others do too.

I’m thankful that we are all feeling okay as a family.

I know for sure what I need to discuss in my next Zoom therapy session.

Stay safe LTI.

Tired Of Talking About Infidelity

It’s been awhile since I published a blog. I started one and midway through I just felt the need to stop writing. Hit the save button and haven’t been back for weeks now. I’ve been feeling so over the word INFIDELITY and all that comes with it.

I’ve done the super hard work of finding myself again and recovering from the blows of infidelity. Now it’s time to live again. Fly like a butterfly into the unknown future with my husband who I’m not sure I will ever feel true safety with again. I’m going to have to let time answer that question for me.

When I first got on Twitter I found a wonderful support group of people who came before me and then I noticed one by one they flew away. Maybe I understand why now. Eventually we will all feel the need to move on and jump into truly living again. I get excited when I see one of those butterflies tweet every once in awhile. Infidelity issues aren’t first in my line of things to deal with anymore. THANK GOODNESS!!!

We have issues still to deal with now as the dust has settled on our infidelity chapter. These problems really are within our “new marriage”. My husband and I have both changed from the experience. We don’t flow easily together anymore and are battling the growing pains of getting to know our newer versions of ourselves. Love still remains through it all. I won’t lie though I still get very frustrated with him.

Some updates:

I got my test results back. One test came back negative for HPV and my biopsy came back with a result that stated a mild chance of having cells forming. Ugh! Confusing. My Doctor said as of now no cancer and no HPV. Another biopsy will need to be done end of year to follow up.

I survived 2nd Anniversary of Dday4/my Birthday. My husband didn’t put the E in effort in my opinion to help celebrate my day. He didn’t learn anything from the fallout after he did Nothing for Valentine’s Day. I was in a dark place emotionally afterwards for a few days. Dday anniversaries are mentally hard. Add my birthday into the mix and just makes a big ball of SUCK!!! I’m glad my triggers days are done for months now.

My focus like I’m sure everyone else is on Covid-19 and the changes we are dealing with. Today I start overseeing my kids homeschooling. We are in quarantine mode in our area for nonessential living. We will see if I’m smarter then a fourth grader. My high schooler is on his own LOL!! He has a laptop so they are starting some virtual learning.

*** We survived the first day. It took a lot longer then I thought too. Should definitely get better as we fall into a rhythm.

I wish everyone good mental and physical health through all of the changes we are going through with Covid-19. So far, so good for my family. It’s only day four though of our new lifestyle…..

Happy St. Patty’s day from this Irish girl!

LTI

Forgiving Myself Again…

I’m finding the need to forgive myself again two years later for a specific moment in time during my husband’s affair.

My husband is the president of a local baseball sports league. Every year on this weekend they always have player evaluations. Today is the day.

I remember two years ago after players evaluations my husband came home to find me depressed and in bed. It had been an emotional week. I had found out through my hyper vigilant detective work that my husband had unblocked the CW on LinkedIn and blocked another person with the same name!!! LinkedIn tells you the number of days you have blocked someone and plus the CW has professional initials after her name. All week he had spun nonstop gaslighting on me that he didn’t do it. She was blocked is what he kept on repeating to me. I had prior to finding this out also told him that I knew she was meeting him on his upcoming business trip over Valentine’s Day(I was right too) which he was also denying!!! He conveniently told me about this business trip at the end of a marriage therapy session. I still think this was a calculated move on his part. Although he says not.

When he found me in bed he got in and held me. Kissed me on the forehead. He kept on telling me I had nothing to worry about even as my meek self at that time kept on saying I know your lying. I wanted so bad to believe him, that somehow I allowed his gaslighting to take control of my thoughts.

Later I would find proof on my husband’s burner phone that I wasn’t crazy. In fact I was spot-on on everything. I saw the CW tell my husband to unblock her on LinkedIn and block someone else. She knew I looked and I believe wanted us in more turmoil before their Valentine’s Day rendezvous. He did what she told him to do. They were communicating through his burner phone and her texting app. Why was there a need to unblock then? I also saw him tell her that I was VERY SUSPICIOUS of her joining him on his business trip and that they feared I would contact her husband. My VINDICATION was at a high price. Bitter sweet indeed.

Today I find the need to forgive the fragile women I was two years ago. My husband’s gaslighting, my depression, anxiety and brokenness were working against me. Everyday this week I’m going to need to forgive myself for the path that I allowed myself to stay on and the gut wrenching pain of the White T-shirt day. (A previous blog that I’m not able to link now for some reason.)

I’m learning over and over again that forgiving myself is a continual process. No wonder I don’t have time to think about and process forgiving my husband also. I’m first in line for my forgiveness and he’s in the back.

Hard emotional week ahead, but I got this! Selfcare, self love and kindness are in order.

LTI

@livingthrghit on Twitter

My Son Is Accused Of Cheating

Yesterday I found out through my 15 year old sons Snapchat account he was being accused of cheating on his girlfriend. He was declaring his innocence on Snapchat and asking for the rumor mongers to talk to him and not harass his girlfriend.

I really hate Snapchat for other reasons.

I was instantly triggered by the accusation that my son is like his father, but I shut that thought process down. I knew I needed to hear what was going on from my son before I made a harsh judgment like that.

My 15 year old son found out on Dday2 that his dad was cheating on me. Oldest Son.

I showed my husband before dinner the Snapchat posts. He didn’t seem to concerned. He was just like “there teenagers, what could he possibly have done that bad”. Well that didn’t go over well with me and I told my husband so. Hurt feelings are hurt feelings even though they aren’t adults. Guilty or not the accusation and fall out of it was going on on his life.

After dinner my husband talked to our son after I had told him I wanted to handle things. I started to ease drop on the convo, but then decided not to be that person. When my husband left the room I laid down next to my son in his bed. I calmly asked what was going on.

As my son explained his side of story, it seems something he did this past summer at the beach with a friend is coming back to bite him the butt. I took the time to explain to my son not put himself in compromising positions as much as possible. I don’t necessarily think my son cheated, but I can see how the rumor mill on social media got started. His single best friend and him were hanging out talking to girls on the boardwalk and then taking pictures of themselves on the beach in the lifeguard stands. He’s all about his glamour shots for social media. I sort of remember talking about this when they got back to the beach house that night.

This issue between his girlfriend and him had come up before and for some reason the issue came back up again. My son was quite impressed with my detective skills as we talked about how and who might talking about this situation. I connected the dots for him. His girlfriend refuses to give up her source.

I explained to him the best thing he could do was remain calm and keep their issues off of social media. I also reminded him again how easily things can get misconstrued on social media too. That all his followers aren’t necessary.

We talked about the consequences of cheating. I talked briefly about how it made me feel. My son declared he never would cheat because he saw what it did to me. We talked about how it’s better to break up first if you think you might be interested in someone else. Leave the person your dating with their dignity intact.

We really bonded last night. I think he really heard me and maybe has a better understanding of what I went through. He still is far from knowing all of what happened between his dad and I.

In the end his girlfriends mother pushed her into deciding to take a break from the relationship. They can still talk all the time, but she’s only allowing them to hangout in friend groups. I don’t know, they are dealing with real trust issues now. They have been dating for over a year and I always thought it was to young for my son to have a steady girlfriend. I will say he still spends a good amount of time with his friends though.

I’m not one of those Moms that think their kids are perfect and never do anything wrong. So I’m choosing not to get into the middle of their relationship at this point.

As I reflect on last night today I really realize how far I’ve come in healing. I stayed calm, rational and loving with son while talking about a topic that is so touchy for me. I was the mother he deserved to have by his side.

LTI

#IHATEVALENTINESDAY #VDFU

After the New Year celebration is over do you know what happens??? The next holiday gets ushered in overnight. Or at least it does in the USA. F’ing Valentine’s Day!! Or the anniversary of the day my husband changed his emotional affair to a physical one. He F’d the CW on their secret rendezvous! Guess who hates Valentine’s Day now??

The mine field of triggers are everywhere in stores. I give all the cards, candy hearts, goodies and decor I pass by my middle finger salutes. Some of my twitter pals have helped by joining in on the middle finger salute. I appreciate it so much too. With the help of others I’m trying to desensitize the horrid day with humor. #VDFU or #Ihatevalentinesday Feel free to join us.

Yes I’m so much stronger now, but the truth is it still hurts my heart and soul to see all the triggering reminders of that day. I’m reminded that our marriage and I meant nothing to him and all the pain him sleeping with her caused me. All the gaslighting he put me through before and after their time together. Plus the dreaded white T-shirt he brought home to me in his laundry from that trip with their secretions on it!

Traumatized to say the least!!

I know I will get through it. Somedays won’t be as pretty emotionally as others, but I will be okay. It just sucks you know.

Ugh so here’s to the next month of middle finger salutes and dealing with the emotions that come along with this period on time.

If you hate Valentine’s Day too just know you aren’t alone.

Living through infidelity 2020 now.

LTI