Bam!! Christmas Eve Trigger

Christmas all in all was great. Lots of wonderful family time. My kids smiles were big and having to be with my in-laws for Christmas dinner turned out to be a lovely time.

But………..

My Mom and stepdad were at our house on Christmas Eve. Without prior knowledge my stepdad kept on talking about presents he bought for my kids to give to my Mom. The kids were a bit confused too, but we just went with it. Then my stepdad brought out the gifts and BAM the Kay Jewelers bag appeared!!

Kay’s is a HUGE HUGE trigger for me since my husband bought the CW a bracelet from there.

My heart just sank. I’m not sure how long I sat there stunned and silent. I stuffed down my feelings and quickly glared at my husband. I finally said how nice the earrings and necklace were. Then my mom was struggling to get her earrings to unclasp. I helped her. All while I just wanted to escape to the kitchen to get away from the glaring gift bag.

I just wanted to scream you got to fucking be kidding me!!!!! Really!!!

Luckily I was able to kick most of the trigger to the curb pretty fast. We are so blessed to have my Mom with us and feeling good for Christmas. I refocused on that.

I’ll say it again triggers suck and so do their timing.

One more Christmas party tomorrow with my extended family. Fingers crossed no more Kay bags will appear!!

Looking forward to the New Year!

LTI

Season’s Greetings

Life has been really busy the past couple of weeks.

Christmas Vacation has started for my kiddos and my husband’s last day of work for the year is today.

On this Christmas Eve Eve I find myself wishing for a pause button on The holidays ahead. Now that I’ve got all the hustle and bustle of the season taken care of I’d like more time to soak in the Christmas Spirit. This feeling is much like how I felt all the years before my husband’s affair. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. Healing is happening. I’m finding my “joy” in life again. I love when I can measure my recovery.

The past 2 years I just wanted to fast forward and just get through it. I didn’t have a lot of Fa la la spirit in me. I almost felt robotic about getting things done for my kids.

(This spinning ornament is a favorite of mine. The past two Christmases I focused almost daily on it as zoned off in my thoughts, anxiety, depression and triggers. It was my MomMom’s and I always felt if it was spinning she was with me in spirit).

My personal advice(remember I’m not an expert)if your struggling through the holiday season is to not overcommit yourself. Learn to say no to people, places and doing things that add anxiety. Last year we stayed home both Christmas Eve and Day. Best present to myself!!! My kids loved being home too. I just couldn’t handle and nor did I want to spend the day with gossiping family members who knew our ugly truth and I feared one of them would have lose lips and say something in front of my kids and ruin their day too.

This year we are still doing less running around. We are going to Christmas dinner with part of my husband’s side of the family. I’m feeling stronger and I no longer feel my needs completely trump my husbands. He deserves to be with his family too. His parents have both passed away and I can appreciate him wanting to spend time with his siblings.

My husband seems to me to be going through something lately. He just seems not himself. I calmly talked to him yesterday if he was feeling sad or depressed. He said no to me. I asked him if he was still happy with his choice to fight for our marriage. He said yes. I don’t know….my fear wonders if he’s missing the CW during the holidays??? Maybe he was just remembering all the horrible things he put me and us through. Getting him to talk to me is so hard.

Well for sake of Christmas I’m going to have to believe what he’s telling me for now. I’ll approach him again if his off behavior continues after the holidays.

Infidelity recovery is being put on pause till January 2020.

Here’s to making new memories!

I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or Kwanza.

LTI

Christmas Cards

Before my husband’s affair with the CW I used to send her and her family Christmas cards for many years after we got together. When we had children I started making photo Christmas cards with their pictures on them. So she knew the faces of my kids. The ones she played a part in trying destroy their family. I stopped sending them a few years before their affair because she never sent one in return. I never told him I stopped. It’s like my gut knew she wasn’t worthy of my Seasons Greetings.

The first year I started sending out Christmas cards for us as a couple he added her to the list of friends he wanted included. He only ever described her as a “friend”. I thought maybe they might of been friends with benefits when he first brought her up to me. That was my initial gut instinct. It took until after Dday2 or 3 for the whole truth to come out. They were college boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years!!!!!!! When they were finished college he chose not to follow her out of state for the job she got. When he tried to get her back she was already engaged to her now ex husband. All this was before we meet. We all have a past. So why not tell me?

When they got back together/started their affair she made a point to tell him I stopped sending her Christmas cards.

He had the nerve to zing this fact at me too while he was lying his ass off during Christmas 2017 as the affair was still going on.

How messed up is that!!!

Like I was going to apologize for not sending his Whore Christmas greetings!

I’ve always loved getting Christmas cards in the mail. I always took my time picking out and creating our picture cards over the years. I had already ordered our family picture cards in 2017 before Ddays2 &3 happened. Last year I used the free cards that had been kept from charity mailers and decreased the amount I sent out. The state of our marriage was crappy so not much effort on my part. The free ones fit the state union we had going on. They were meh just like us. This year I bought what I think is a beautiful card. I’m not ready yet to make family picture cards again.

This years card theme is Joy!

So my address list is a really, really old printout. With numerous handwritten revisions(it’s a hot mess) and I cut out the CWs contact info. Yesterday as I started I saw the cut out and promised myself I will redo my list so next year I don’t have the vivid reminder. She is still there in that gapping whole. I set a reminder on my phone in mid January to make a new list. I need to take control of the situation.

I thought about sending the CW a card like this the past 3 years…..

Fa la la la la!

LTI

Thanksgiving and Ornaments

Life has been busy but good.

It took me a moment to deal with the emotions that were stirred up from what was going on in my last post Embarrassed to say…..

We went on a mini getaway for Thanksgiving as a family with my sister and brother in law. We had a really nice time all together. Got to see lots of beautiful Christmas lights and decorations. The Lodge we stayed at has a wonderful lobby with a big four sided fire place to enjoy lovely cocktails by in the evening and play cards. New memories were made.

It was a bit weird being away on Thanksgiving but our Mom had told us we were own our own this year due to how her chemo treatment lined up. My sister and I both didn’t want to cook so we decided to add an additional day to our annual Thanksgiving Eve trip to the lodge. We included our Mom on our trip as best we could with pictures and FaceTime.

Thanksgiving Day was also the second anniversary of Dday2 for me. It held very little power over my mood. Not much more to say about that. How awesome!

On Saturday my Husband and I decorated the house for Christmas. I had already started the indoor decorating earlier in the week to help me out of my funk so I was able to help him illuminate the outside of our house too. It was nice to feel like we were doing it for the joy of Christmas again. The last two years we did it for the kids. PRETEND NORMAL!! Just went through the motions since there wasn’t much to celebrate the past 2 Christmases in the thick of living through infidelity.

My husband has channeled his inner “Clark Grisswald” and has plans to add additional strands of lights outside that he bought yesterday this coming weekend.

I love the movie Christmas Vacation!!

Yesterday we put up our tree. My youngest son and I did most of the decorating with the Christmas music cranked up. Dancing, singing and decorating. He did a great job this year. I don’t think I need to move any ornaments he put on when he’s not around/not looking this year. Spaced them nicely!

I collect ornaments from all the vacations we go on and the past two years those ornaments were each a knife to my heart. Each time I unwrapped one they reminded me that all the wonderful times together meant nothing to my husband. This year now that things between us are slowly getting better I didn’t have those intense feelings. I remembered the good times associated with them all.

Christmas Joy is Back!

Moments like these help me see how far I have come in my journey out of my pit of despair. Most days it’s hard for me to judge.

Wishing everyone JOY this holiday season. It’s okay if you can only sustain it for brief periods of time like I’ve done the last couple years. Enjoy what you can.

LTI

Embarrassed to say….

I wasn’t sure I was going to blog about the fact that I finally faced all the doctors appointments and tests needed after being cheated on. Yep I just got them done 18 months after finding out he slept with the CW(cunt whore).

I’ve read so many blogs and tweets from fellow betrayed that got tested right away and I felt embarrassed that I didn’t.

Truth is I had the bloodwork script from my primary doctor a year ago to get done but I just didn’t want to face it. My anxiety got the best of me 100%. I was worried about the test results and the look on the face of phlebotomist drawing my blood for sexually transmitted diseases. Meanwhile my husband did get tested and all test results were negative.

So last week I went back to my primary doctor for my check up and got another script for bloodwork. I made the appointment right away and got it done. All my bloodwork tests came back negative too. Sigh of relief.

This past Monday I finally went for my very over due Obgyn appointment. My anxiety was so high. I didn’t want to tell another person and see the look on their faces again. I was so lucky that the medical assistant that I got was a familiar face and she recognized me too. I had high risk pregnancies and we spent a lot of time together. When I told her what happened and I wanted to be tested she said I understand it happened to me too. I exhaled and instant kinship happened. She had a younger medical assistant shadowing her. We looked at her after telling our stories to each other and said not all men cheat! We hope we aren’t scaring you.

My doctor was wonderful and after my exam we met in his office. He was concerned about all of my health and so kind. Talked to me a bit about forgiveness and trust. Asked me twice if I was sure the affair is over. Almost like he had gone through it. I didn’t ask though.

So now I wait for the next round of test results.

I was embarrassed to say that I’ve waited so long to handle all of this, but then while chatting with a fellow betrayed spouse they shared that they too waited just as long. I realized then maybe we aren’t the only ones. If I can help another fellow betrayed know it’s okay and you aren’t alone then I should share this part of my story too.

Anxiety is a real bitch!! I totally let it get the best of me too!!

****reminder that all of our healing journeys are different!!!

I promised myself that by the end of this year I would take care of all my overdue doctor’s appointments and tests. The last two tests I need to get done are scheduled(non infidelity related). It’s totally a weight lifted from my mind.

Conquered another part of this journey.

LTI

Sit Here Wondering….

My husband is back at his college alma mater for a football game today. I sit here at home wondering if he’s flooded with memories of himself and the CW from when they were in love with each other back then. Will it trigger him to want to reach out to her and send a picture like last time he was on campus?

MIND FUCK!!

I’m so over it all!!!

My sad reality is that I can’t erase her from his memories and mind. We all have a past but he brought his past with her into our present day. And now she’s part of my horrible memories too. Her presence unfortunately for me still lingers. She needs to be buried back in the past! Somehow! Someway!

My Oldest Son didn’t go with him like planned. His High School Fall Ball is tonight. He chose his girlfriend over his Dad today. So I’m here to get him ready today and take pictures.

My youngest will be my dinner date tonight after we see his brother off to the dance. Hopefully he picks somewhere good for dinner.

Another hard moment living through infidelity.

LTI

Let Me Introduce Myself….

We had marriage therapy yesterday and I really wasn’t feeling it. For the first time I didn’t really want to even go. My Husband had requested to start going in the afternoon instead of in the morning so maybe I had to much time to think about the appointment. Or it was the fact that for the past 4 nights he had been falling a sleep on the sofa around 7:30-8pm. Right after our youngest would leave us alone in the family room to go watch his YouTube shows in his room. Our somewhat alone time he couldn’t stay awake for. Our time not a priority!!

I’ve been left wondering especially on work days where I prioritize in his life when he takes away our time together. When he does this consecutively it leaves me feeling very lonely. I’d rather do lonely by myself and not seeing or hearing his snoring face while feeling this way!

***my husband makes me drive us to our therapy sessions. Everywhere else he always drives. There’s a message here!

The session started and when asked how things were going I just vomited out all my feelings without filter. We dove into discussing what’s been going on and our therapist at one point said to my husband that I feel like he doesn’t see the person I am now and the my current needs. My husband tried to disagree and then I decided to introduce myself formally to him.

I put my hand up and waved and said “Hi! (Insert my real name) I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have trust issues and the trauma I’ve endured has really mind Fucked me so it takes me time to figure out what is a real and what isn’t. I have hard time somedays still getting out of bed but I do it!! I had my depression and anxiety from my teenage years under control by the time you meet me but what you inflicted upon me has triggered it back”. My husband almost cried and our Therapist just kept on saying wow.

Maybe it would be different if my husband would embrace the new me more often. Maybe I would get more empathy and less of him thinking I was making up more problems. That what he said before I introduced myself. He brought up in therapy what I talked about in my previous blog Monday Mornings and More.

The session ended with me sobbing and saying just how tired I am. I’m mentally exhausted truth. So with love and kindness in our therapist eyes he said that I need a break from it all. Rest/relax and we will regroup and he will check in with me next week. I agreed.

***I drove us home

I went home and laid in bed. I needed to rest and regroup since our oldest son was real close to getting home from High School. My husband after a little while did come find me. Kissed me on my forehead and was going to leave but then asked if he could lay with me. So that’s what we did together for a while. Trying to reconnect holding hands. He hardly left my side last night and he didn’t fall asleep.

***we do have “homework” though to try. Our therapist wants us to do 60 second connections with each other 3x a day each. This I think was more geared towards getting my husband to connect with me during the day. Can’t rely on sporadic date nights etc..

So what does rest from infidelity look like for me this time around? Last time I rested it was because I was on overload from blogs, vlogs, self help books and YouTube videos. Easy I just stopped watching and reading. This time do I need to give up for a while my Twitter and Instagram LTI accounts?? Stop blogging?? Do less??? Add different forms of selfcare? Less time on trying to fix things, more fun and things I enjoy in my life?

I’ll figure it out as I go. The holidays are coming and I plan on enjoying them all this year!!

LTI

Monday Mornings and More

Monday mornings are usually the hardest part of the week for me. My husband leaving to go to the place most of his communication with Twunt/CW happened after the weekend together. (Twunt my new favorite reference to the whore!) My trauma is talking to me. This Monday morning has me feeling all my feels…..

I had a 80% good/20% triggered weekend.

We went out to dinner Saturday night with our close friends. A double date to one of our favorite restaurants that somehow wasn’t taken away from me by his infidelity. Great food and conversation. My husband when not eating was rubbing my back or holding my hand under the table the entire time. It was reminiscent of “us” before his affair. It felt good.

Also on Saturday I booked a Thanksgiving getaway for my family along with my sister and brother in law. Since our Mom has chemo the week of Thanksgiving we are on our own. We decided to go away instead of cook. I had no trepidation about booking this trip. I’m excited to go.

Sunday started like a normal day. Then on Instagram a fellow betrayed wife asked me if I still question if the affair is happening? Part of my response was that I’ve used his current behavior as my guide. It just got me thinking and then after dinner it hit me. This last week a behavior has changed. The man who has always been Sheldon Cooper like(Big Bang Theory)with his bathroom schedule is now spending time after dinner in the bathroom with his phone. He did it last night after dinner. Trigger! Danger! WTF! This is different!!

This is what my marriage has come to!! Trying to figure out why my husbands bathroom schedule has changed????!!!!! Why am I still here??? Is what I asked myself most of the night feeling triggered. Seriously will this be how it is for along time questioning things like this. The answer is Fucking yes!! Yes because of all the damage he did!!

I fear being his fool again!!!!

There is only so much acknowledging how well things have been going lately to soothe me in these triggering times.

I couldn’t even imagine trying to explain my fears of why my husband is in the bathroom after dinner now to anyone that hasn’t dealt with infidelity. They would look at me crazily. For sure!

He knew something was wrong and asked but I just told him I didn’t want to talk. I’m still processing this trigger. Plus I don’t know how to approach this subject without it coming across as me accusing him of having an affair. He has brought this up in therapy that no matter the convo he feels accused of still doing wrong. So complicated! It’s his issue I know.

I am going to talk to him tonight. I’m not sure how it’s going to go. Probably sideways!! I will be suggesting he takes a book with him into the bathroom!!!!

It could be nothing or it could be something?

LTI

He’s The Problem

It’s been a few days since our last marriage therapy session. Another tough but good one. I think if they aren’t tough then we are wasting our money.

During the session our therapist asked what was holding my husband back from fully being loving and compassionate towards me in my emotionally low depressive times like I described in the past he’s shown before the affair. Although those times before the affair were few and far between.

It took a bit but he finally said “because I’m the problem”. How can he possibly help me when he is the reason I’m in this pain.

At first I wanted to blurt out “no duh” like it’s taken you this long to say this. But then I looked into his eyes and saw his shame and guilt radiate from him. I felt so sad for him since I couldn’t tell him he was wrong but, when our therapist asked me to talk about what was just said it dawned on me. Yes for months he was the problem. Now I view him as the one who created the problem. There is a difference.

The difference is now I view him as my partner in fixing what problems he created. When he was the problem he was working against me. We both have the same goal. Save our marriage. Save our family.

For some of you reading this you might think at the stage we are in this is such a beginning of recovery statement. I thought the same thing initially. Until our therapist got him to really dive into the root of the statement his shame and guilt. He really opened up his feelings and it opened up my heart towards him.

So glad I literally self sealed my lips as to not blurt anything out in his moment. Even when he was struggling to find the right words. The rest of my face I still need to work on. Our therapist acknowledged I was holding my tongue with a nod to me. Yes at times I feel the need to tell my side of a situation before he’s done. I’m not perfect.

We also talked about how I don’t know how to talk to him without triggering my husbands feelings in my time of need. It’s not my job to though. It’s his to get over his barriers. And both of ours to deal with the cycle of our conversations going sideways when we actually have them.

I’m appreciating the effort my husband has put into therapy the past few sessions. Effort really does go along way with me. Props to our therapist who finally figured out or wore my husband down to really expressing himself. Also impressed that my husband made the date and time choices for our next session. I truly thought the next session I would going solo. We are on a roll three in a row together.

Looking forward to the weekend together.

LTI

He Asked Me To Remember

More emotions still swirling from last weeks Marriage Therapy session.

In the midst of a tough dialog in our session my husband looked at me and said he wished I would remember all our years before the affair. All the things he did right for years. I could see in his eyes he fears all I see him now is as a cheating husband. All I could manage to say back was “I know”.

*****It’s hard to remember still a lot of the time that he is more then his affair. He really is. Just like I’m more then just a betrayed wife.*****

My husband for 18 years was wonderful at being my partner and teammate in life. Overtime as I out grew My Childhood BFF he became my best friend . A great father to our children. A fantastic soul financial provider to our family when the decision was made for me to stay home with our boys full time. I rarely had something to complain about that was major in our relationship until the Affair.

The tough dialog was about the fact that I have limited empathy for him in certain areas of our recovery. Also that I’m still struggling on how to forgive him and that probably doesn’t help in my empathy towards him.

My husband is correct though that when things between us go off the rails my attitude a lot of the time towards him is “okay cheater” and not remembering he is “more then a cheater”.

So I’ve been thinking about the fact that yes he hurt me more then words can describe but, we have decided to reconcile and maybe it’s time for my attitude to nudge a bit more towards he is “more then a cheater”. I’m going to have to retrain my thoughts towards the man I love. Stop myself in my my tracks and redirect my emotions when I go to my dark thoughts about him. I’ve been able to redirect my thoughts in other areas of recovery so I have hope.

I’m going to try for him because I do believe in my fractured heart he is more then a cheater.

LTI

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