Justice For My Birthday

My birthday/Dday4 is coming up soon. This time around I’m feeling really pissed off and angry that his extreme selfishness with his affair tarnished my day! Dday4 was the most painful day of my life. The only gift I got that day was that I knew with out a doubt I wasn’t going crazy. Some force or guardian Angel(probably my Dad he wouldn’t think twice about tough love) lead me to find that burner phone. Horrible timing though.

**** I loved celebrating my birthday as an adult by being with friends and family. My friend group has never been about the gifts, it’s about experiencing fun and special times together. Plus good food and cocktails.

The first go around I was still pretty numb in healing, but I remember feeling angry. I didn’t plan anything, but one of my close girlfriends sent me a text and said I’m coming to pick you up get ready. We went somewhere and had yummy blood orange margaritas and good conversation. The second time around I focused on reclaiming my day. I know we went out to dinner as a family, but I don’t remember much more then that. (Maybe in the coming days FB memories will fill in my blanks). Part of it is because my husband didn’t plan more then that. I think that’s the problem. I was so focused on reclaiming the day that I don’t even really remember it. Sometimes maybe I think I’ve rushed to fast to reclaim the days he ruined.

This year I want justice or retribution for my birthday loss. What is that though? Financial settlement….well half is already mine. Him to wear a shame sign or hat…well then the secret would be out. Physical settlement like kicking him in balls or good throat punch! I’m a lover not a fighter.

**** I just thought of a good gift idea a punching bag.

There really isn’t any justice to be had for the fact that I now cringe when birthday cards catch me off guard when arriving earlier then expected in my mailbox for me and then hide them out of sight. I’ll open them on my birthday no worries. Or when I get anxiety over a sweet text from a close friend wanting to know what I want to do for my birthday and she will plan it all since usually that’s my roll in our friend group. Or that I struggle to come up with a gift idea for my birthday when my husband asks because no gift will erase the pain.

Maybe that’s why I’m agitated. There is no justice to be had. Just more acceptance. Hard emotional acceptance. It’s on ME once again to make it better. Just once in this process I want him to fix something, but that’s impossible. It would be the ultimate present though.

Dday4/Birthday will come around once again. It’s unstoppable. I’m just going to let unfold. Maybe I’ll go out shopping or binge watch the day away. I’ll wait to see if my husband does any of the suggestions he asked me for. I won’t be depressed in bed or finding solace in bottle of vodka or wine. I’m beyond that in my healing. I won’t stop myself from feeling the feels though.

I’m still moving forward, healing and living again.

LTI

December Wish

On this Christmas Eve Eve I wanted to make a Christmas wish for us all to find JOY this holiday season. A joyful moment, minute, hour or day that I hope turns into a wonderful new memory. We deserve new memories!

In this joyful moment I hope we find PEACE. A tranquil moment that will feel like a warm hug that will bring a smile to our faces.

No matter where you are in your healing journey the holidays can be hard. I know. This will be my 4th since my world was blown apart. I went from just getting through them to enjoying them again. From staring at a spinning ornament on our Christmas tree wondering how I was going to make it through it all and now to just taking in the beauty of the season.

That spinning ornament got me through so much anxiety 4 years ago. My focus point. It was so special to me before hand because it belonged to my MomMom. It as like she was holding my hand when I needed her the most. I still find myself mesmerized by it spinning.

Here’s to living again!

Seasons Greetings!

Merry Christmas 🎄

LTI

Dust Keeps On Settling

The dust keeps settling in my path of healing. What becomes visible is the fact that my relationship with my husband lacks any spark. We are the word Meh.

We are a bit more then just roommates and parents together. We love each other but I think we both lack in the “in love” part of our relationship. I know that relationships go through different stages. Is it a stage or a permanent scar from infidelity?

I was on a bit of an Ah-ha moment high after I figured out the war was over between my husband and I. I felt lighter all around and still do personally in other aspects of my life. Then the reality of us hit again. He’s not doing much to rekindle our relationship. I actually think I get less from him then before the affair. Maybe it’s because I refuse to take the lead in rekindling us. He would ride the wave I created for us in the past before the affair. Maybe it’s because he is still buried in his shame and guilt he hasn’t dealt with.

In the midst of trying to save us early on in recovery there was such an urgency between us. Now……well he’s happy to still be here and I’m asking myself the question am I still happy to be here? I’m happy to have my family intact especially in this Covid19 time. My marriage…….it’s complicated.

When I bring up to my husband my Meh feelings about us and what he wants he keeps on telling me “I’m all in”. Meaning all in our marriage. I think his all in is being a good boy again and not cheating. A good provider for our family. It doesn’t include rekindling us. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how so he’s not going to try to figure it out. Truth is I’m not completely sure how to rekindle us either.

Have I personally changed on my healing path that I no longer feel or connect with his “all in”? Or him in general? I have moments where I feel like a stranger in my marriage.

I still feel I deserve So Much more from him after all the Shit he put me through! I know my resentment in this area towards him isn’t helping things on my end.

Is the fact that I have a faithful husband again enough?

There are so many gray areas in my recovery path back to my marriage. Is that what years 2.5 through 5 in affair recovery are for? Dealing with the gray areas?

Here’s to living again!

LTI

The Power Of Writing

The power of writing out feelings is amazing. I can’t believe how much blogging has helped me heal. Thank you again Newman for nudging me to start my blog.

I can’t believe how different I feel after writing my last blog The War Is Over…Scars Remain. This huge weight has lifted from me. My perspective has changed.

I needed to write out and acknowledge that the Infidelity War is over between us. Really let it sink in. I’m positive now that I was still carrying some of my weapons of war around with me daily still. Didn’t realize it. I’ve released them like a mic drop moment.

In my therapy session last week I talked about forgiveness again. How over the summer I thought I had gotten to the place of forgiveness with my husband but there was no “Ah-ha Moment” for me so I was confused. I sure got the Ah-ha moment I was hoping for with this acknowledgment.

I see and feel my husband differently now. Only I could make this happen. Hugging, touching and holding his hand feel more loving and free.

I have both feet now in the rebuilding stage of our marriage. Things aren’t perfect, but we are trying. Time will tell. It’s okay that things aren’t perfect. It doesn’t take away from the healing that’s happened.

I’m headed into a girls trip weekend feeling great. No extra emotional baggage coming with me this year. My personal belongings are heavy enough 😉.

If you aren’t journaling or blogging give it a try. It is a great healing tool.

Here’s to healing and moving forward!

There is life again after Infidelity!

LTI

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater!

One of my Betrayed Wife truths is that:

When I’m annoyed by husband in my head I refer to him as Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater.

When I’m frustrated by him falling asleep again on the sofa while we have some alone time I think to myself F You CCPE!

When he came to bed last night after waking up on the sofa I said to myself of great it’s CCPE coming to bed to snore!

When I’m triggered by my frustration with him in recovery and he smiles at me while I’m looking at him thinking CCPE. I smile back devilishly.

This is a new phrase that’s popped into my head over the past couple weeks. I don’t remember hearing it recently by anyone. Maybe it’s just because it’s pumpkin time again. I’ve moved on from AHole and Jerk.

I hope I don’t say this thought out loud to him. As much as it’s true it would be really hurtful. It’s been over two years since he cheated. He is doing a lot of things right in recovery. He’s trying in his way. It’s just what he’s not doing consistently is frustrating.

A bit childish maybe, but my brain has fixated on the nick name.

Anyone else have a nickname for their cheater/former cheater?

LTI

Versions

Versions of our marriage.

For awhile now I’ve been realizing that I live in one version of our marriage and my husband lives in a different one.

My husband’s version is full of pretend normal. The fairytale of us lives here. I join him from time to time until I realize this isn’t my reality. He is a compartmentalizer and I am not. It is easier in pretend normal land. You don’t deal with (the now only occasional) hard triggering moments. There is no guilt, shame or pain in this place either. My husband has the luxury to trust me. I think this is a huge difference between us and our versions of our marriage.

My version is much more complex. I deal with occasional triggered moments from the traumatizing ordeal he dealt me. My trust in him is only returning slowly even with his good behavior for over two years now. He is frustrating to communicate with when it comes to almost everything affair related. Cue his guilt and shame I can see on his face. He goes mute on me. If I had to put a label on my marriage it is just stable/okay.

Mixed into these versions is love. Love isn’t enough though to overcome the complex obstacles in our marriage.

I wish he would meet me halfway without me having to pull him out of his happy pretend normal place.

Versions of me.

There is LTI mother, daughter, friend etc… I have happiness again in life. I’m moving forward and living again. Enjoying my time with my kids, family and friends. My anxiety and depression is under control for the most part.

Wife me. I have a stutter still. I don’t trust him as much as I would like to. Everyday is a leap of faith being married. Maybe it always was a leap of faith? I just didn’t think that way about our marriage. Goes back to TRUST! I ward off occasional triggers and Mind Fucks. I’m no longer searching for answers to why about his affair, but I am wondering why he can’t take me out of his compartmentalized box he has me in and take a good look at me. I’m not the same wife anymore. My needs have changed. I have moments of happiness with him, but our deep connection is still missing.

I delved into these thoughts in my last therapy session. It’s given me a lot to think about.

Is it possible to merge my reality and his reality together? He needs to communicate and support me better. I need to have more trust and faith in him. We are now 28 months into recovery and we have come along way. I do see the progress. I believe more and more that the 3-5 years time frame is true in recovery. At least for our complex story.

Recovering from infidelity is so complex.

Here’s to healing and moving forward.

LTI

The Kitchen Chair

I laughed A LOT!

If you read my blog you know I was complaining during the COVID-19 shutdown that my husband took over our kitchen to work from home. I would tell him all the time to bring his desk chair into the kitchen. I could hear the kitchen chair screeching often the way he would move around in it. Day after day.

He has been back at his office since June. Many times over the summer he has had to put the rung of the chair back in place after a meal. On Saturday my husband said he needed to get wood glue to repair it. As he sat in it yesterday I warned him not too!

Well yesterday after lunch the chair broke while he was sitting in it!!!! I heard the noise and luckily saw the whole thing happen. I couldn’t stop laughing at him. He fell to the floor in it. The kitchen chair had the last laugh! KARMA!

As I helped him up off the floor I laughed. I laughed as he was surveying all the broken pieces. I laughed as I used the Dustbuster to vacuum up the debris. I laughed when I saw the chair at the curb for the trash. I’m giggling now while I’m writing this.

The chair saying FU to my husband was awesome!!!

I’m sort of jealous of what the chair was able to do. Dish out karma itself.

The laughter has been a great release even though it is probably immature of me. Oh well!

LTI

Wife Who Was Betrayed

A thought came to my mind the other day that I know longer really feel like a Betrayed Wife. I rather feel more like a Wife who was Betrayed. Semantics maybe?

I’m still part of the club I never wanted to join though.

It’s been 26 months since the last bomb went off between us. I’ve done a HUGE amount of work on myself and it’s really paying off now. I think I’ve now touched and dealt with every layer of betrayal from my pit of despair. I’ve made a form of peace with almost all of them.

My healing journey is ready to put a bunch of things in the past tense. I’m able to now speak of a future at times.

Dare I say I might of finally found forgiveness inside of me for my husband. I have struggled with what forgiveness looks and feels like. I told my husband over a year ago that he was getting a small act of forgiveness from me everyday that I’m still here with him. I think all those days have added up and I recently had my ahh ha moment. Can I say I forgive you to him though??

I will never be okay with what he did, but I accept and have made a form of peace with it. In this acceptance I acknowledge that I will still be triggered, sad and emotional at times. Trust between us is still a big work in progress. There are NO more chances for him to act out in this way again. Our “new marriage” is only chugging along slowly and my husband if you read my blog doesn’t always say or do the right things.

This hasn’t come easily for me as his “entanglement” was so hurtful. Sorry I couldn’t resist!!! I cringe at this word now.

I never thought I’d get to this side of recovery. The power of baby steps!

Here’s to Growth!

Here’s to Healing!

Here’s to Moving Forward!

Here’s to Living Again!

LTI

One Selfie

Good old Facebook memories today showed me the selfie I took of my husband and I looking all HAPPY on a date night at one of our favorite restaurants 3 years ago. I remember being happy together that night. We loved to go there to eat outside on their deck. We were doing Covid19 dinning before it was a thing.

This picture and that date night was just days before the CW made contact on LinkedIn about meeting for dinner while she was in town. All the lies started then.

This one picture I studied often after I put together the timeline of their affair. I searched within it for the answers to so many questions. Mainly how did he let go of my hand so easily and grasp hers?

I wondered also if the CW saw this picture when I posted it because at that point I thought they were Facebook friends from college. Not exes. Did she see him and say to herself I want him back? I should message him to meet? My happiness was what she deserved? Reclaim what was once hers? Did this picture spur her on to make contact with him? Just thoughts I had back then. I will never know.

The picture really never gave me any answers. Just more questions.

Today this picture reminds me that things can change in a blink of an eye. I can’t control the future. Only my actions and reactions. Also that if he ever let’s go of my hand again he will never be given the chance to hold it again.

No tears today. Just been lost in thoughts.

Here’s to healing!

Here’s to moving forward!

Here’s to Living again!

LTI

Stifled

It’s been a while since my last blog. I have been feeling stifled by all that has been going on in our home. I haven’t had much private time to myself during the quarantine. The time I did have I’ve tried my best to take care of my evolving self care routine due to homeschooling, my husband working from home and running errands being more stressful then they used to be.

Finally, we recently got out of stay at home orders!!!!

We are unofficially done with school!!! One less thing to deal with.

My husband and I are stable. Nothing new to report. He’s still happy to be here. I still feel like he’s not doing anything wrong, but not doing enough. For most of quarantine we haven’t talked about his affair or the state of our marriage. We briefly talked the other night after a tv show had an infidelity reference in it. Or rather I talked he didn’t say much like normal.

For the most part I’ve accepted all the layers of his affair. I’ve healed tremendously. The problem is the current state of us. I have openly told him I refuse to keep us afloat by myself. If he wants us to continue to drift away even more from each other romantically then that’s what going to happen. He needs to stop with his “I don’t know what to do” attitude. I reminded him he didn’t know how to have an affair until he did!

Maybe it’s time to revisit marriage therapy again.

Until recently it’s been months since I’ve given much thought about the CW rearing her ugly self back into his life. My husband’s 50th birthday is coming up soon. I’ve been struggling putting his party together. I was blaming it on Covid19 restrictions, but I finally realized it’s because a voice in my head is screaming DANGER! DANGER! It’s an excuse for the CW to reach out to him.

That’s how it all started 3 years ago. She wished him happy birthday on LinkedIn.

I can’t control what she does. If she reaches out I hope he discloses it to me right away. Here is the thing though I still don’t TRUST that he will. I give him 50/50 odds. It’s an improvement from the odds I would have given him 1year ago. Still not great. He always F’ing protected her. Protected himself! I always took the bullet!

I always took the bullets….that’s the part that haunts me still!

I remind myself at this time that Control is an Illusion!

I won’t let the days until his birthday get the best of me. What if’s can’t control me! I trust myself! I trust my gut!

LTI