December Wish

On this Christmas Eve Eve I wanted to make a Christmas wish for us all to find JOY this holiday season. A joyful moment, minute, hour or day that I hope turns into a wonderful new memory. We deserve new memories!

In this joyful moment I hope we find PEACE. A tranquil moment that will feel like a warm hug that will bring a smile to our faces.

No matter where you are in your healing journey the holidays can be hard. I know. This will be my 4th since my world was blown apart. I went from just getting through them to enjoying them again. From staring at a spinning ornament on our Christmas tree wondering how I was going to make it through it all and now to just taking in the beauty of the season.

That spinning ornament got me through so much anxiety 4 years ago. My focus point. It was so special to me before hand because it belonged to my MomMom. It as like she was holding my hand when I needed her the most. I still find myself mesmerized by it spinning.

Here’s to living again!

Seasons Greetings!

Merry Christmas 🎄

LTI

Dust Keeps On Settling

The dust keeps settling in my path of healing. What becomes visible is the fact that my relationship with my husband lacks any spark. We are the word Meh.

We are a bit more then just roommates and parents together. We love each other but I think we both lack in the “in love” part of our relationship. I know that relationships go through different stages. Is it a stage or a permanent scar from infidelity?

I was on a bit of an Ah-ha moment high after I figured out the war was over between my husband and I. I felt lighter all around and still do personally in other aspects of my life. Then the reality of us hit again. He’s not doing much to rekindle our relationship. I actually think I get less from him then before the affair. Maybe it’s because I refuse to take the lead in rekindling us. He would ride the wave I created for us in the past before the affair. Maybe it’s because he is still buried in his shame and guilt he hasn’t dealt with.

In the midst of trying to save us early on in recovery there was such an urgency between us. Now……well he’s happy to still be here and I’m asking myself the question am I still happy to be here? I’m happy to have my family intact especially in this Covid19 time. My marriage…….it’s complicated.

When I bring up to my husband my Meh feelings about us and what he wants he keeps on telling me “I’m all in”. Meaning all in our marriage. I think his all in is being a good boy again and not cheating. A good provider for our family. It doesn’t include rekindling us. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how so he’s not going to try to figure it out. Truth is I’m not completely sure how to rekindle us either.

Have I personally changed on my healing path that I no longer feel or connect with his “all in”? Or him in general? I have moments where I feel like a stranger in my marriage.

I still feel I deserve So Much more from him after all the Shit he put me through! I know my resentment in this area towards him isn’t helping things on my end.

Is the fact that I have a faithful husband again enough?

There are so many gray areas in my recovery path back to my marriage. Is that what years 2.5 through 5 in affair recovery are for? Dealing with the gray areas?

Here’s to living again!

LTI

The Power Of Writing

The power of writing out feelings is amazing. I can’t believe how much blogging has helped me heal. Thank you again Newman for nudging me to start my blog.

I can’t believe how different I feel after writing my last blog The War Is Over…Scars Remain. This huge weight has lifted from me. My perspective has changed.

I needed to write out and acknowledge that the Infidelity War is over between us. Really let it sink in. I’m positive now that I was still carrying some of my weapons of war around with me daily still. Didn’t realize it. I’ve released them like a mic drop moment.

In my therapy session last week I talked about forgiveness again. How over the summer I thought I had gotten to the place of forgiveness with my husband but there was no “Ah-ha Moment” for me so I was confused. I sure got the Ah-ha moment I was hoping for with this acknowledgment.

I see and feel my husband differently now. Only I could make this happen. Hugging, touching and holding his hand feel more loving and free.

I have both feet now in the rebuilding stage of our marriage. Things aren’t perfect, but we are trying. Time will tell. It’s okay that things aren’t perfect. It doesn’t take away from the healing that’s happened.

I’m headed into a girls trip weekend feeling great. No extra emotional baggage coming with me this year. My personal belongings are heavy enough 😉.

If you aren’t journaling or blogging give it a try. It is a great healing tool.

Here’s to healing and moving forward!

There is life again after Infidelity!

LTI

The War Is Over…Scars Remain

A recent interaction with my husband left me realizing that the Infidelity War between us is over. There was no real winner of this War between us. We both are survivors of it. What remains for me now are the scars on my heart. I’m thinking my husband has self inflicted scars on his too.

The scars are from piecing my broken heart back together from the war. Every painstaking piece. Some of my scars just twinge a little when hit upon, but others hurt like HELL still. These scars still need to addressed when a flare up happens. Addressed not just by myself all the time. He needs to support me through these moments instead of embracing his shame and guilt that then puts a wall up between us. This is his cycle he needs to break!

My husband always thinks in these flare up moments that I’m going backwards in moving forward. Or his favorite phrase “putting this behind us”. I tell him he is wrong. He’s the one that takes himself back to the War between us days. I’m present with my pain. My present pain in our marriage is usually what rubs my scars the wrong way. There is no need to reignite the War as far as I’m concerned. I never want to wake up again everyday saying to myself “here we go again” like I did during the War. “Here we go again” wake ups have now been replaced by virtual learning/homeschooling for my kids. Piece of cake though handling it compared to the War.

I want now to reconnect with my husband and him to reconnect with me. The War changed us both. Pretend normal land isn’t going to get us there. I blogged about pretend normal land in this blog Versions. Love isn’t enough to get us there either.

I feel like another big layer has lifted in my healing. I feel lighter in my spirit and soul. Healing it sneaks up on me all the time.

The War has been over for a good while now. I think both of us were both too shell shocked to acknowledge it. I wonder if I still appear to my husband that I’m holding onto my weapons of war?? He sure is quick to put up his defensive shield still in my eyes…..hmmm

To healing!

To moving forward!

LTI

Lyrics from one on my favorite songs and band. Sure took on a new meaning for me the past 3 years.

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater!

One of my Betrayed Wife truths is that:

When I’m annoyed by husband in my head I refer to him as Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater.

When I’m frustrated by him falling asleep again on the sofa while we have some alone time I think to myself F You CCPE!

When he came to bed last night after waking up on the sofa I said to myself of great it’s CCPE coming to bed to snore!

When I’m triggered by my frustration with him in recovery and he smiles at me while I’m looking at him thinking CCPE. I smile back devilishly.

This is a new phrase that’s popped into my head over the past couple weeks. I don’t remember hearing it recently by anyone. Maybe it’s just because it’s pumpkin time again. I’ve moved on from AHole and Jerk.

I hope I don’t say this thought out loud to him. As much as it’s true it would be really hurtful. It’s been over two years since he cheated. He is doing a lot of things right in recovery. He’s trying in his way. It’s just what he’s not doing consistently is frustrating.

A bit childish maybe, but my brain has fixated on the nick name.

Anyone else have a nickname for their cheater/former cheater?

LTI

Versions

Versions of our marriage.

For awhile now I’ve been realizing that I live in one version of our marriage and my husband lives in a different one.

My husband’s version is full of pretend normal. The fairytale of us lives here. I join him from time to time until I realize this isn’t my reality. He is a compartmentalizer and I am not. It is easier in pretend normal land. You don’t deal with (the now only occasional) hard triggering moments. There is no guilt, shame or pain in this place either. My husband has the luxury to trust me. I think this is a huge difference between us and our versions of our marriage.

My version is much more complex. I deal with occasional triggered moments from the traumatizing ordeal he dealt me. My trust in him is only returning slowly even with his good behavior for over two years now. He is frustrating to communicate with when it comes to almost everything affair related. Cue his guilt and shame I can see on his face. He goes mute on me. If I had to put a label on my marriage it is just stable/okay.

Mixed into these versions is love. Love isn’t enough though to overcome the complex obstacles in our marriage.

I wish he would meet me halfway without me having to pull him out of his happy pretend normal place.

Versions of me.

There is LTI mother, daughter, friend etc… I have happiness again in life. I’m moving forward and living again. Enjoying my time with my kids, family and friends. My anxiety and depression is under control for the most part.

Wife me. I have a stutter still. I don’t trust him as much as I would like to. Everyday is a leap of faith being married. Maybe it always was a leap of faith? I just didn’t think that way about our marriage. Goes back to TRUST! I ward off occasional triggers and Mind Fucks. I’m no longer searching for answers to why about his affair, but I am wondering why he can’t take me out of his compartmentalized box he has me in and take a good look at me. I’m not the same wife anymore. My needs have changed. I have moments of happiness with him, but our deep connection is still missing.

I delved into these thoughts in my last therapy session. It’s given me a lot to think about.

Is it possible to merge my reality and his reality together? He needs to communicate and support me better. I need to have more trust and faith in him. We are now 28 months into recovery and we have come along way. I do see the progress. I believe more and more that the 3-5 years time frame is true in recovery. At least for our complex story.

Recovering from infidelity is so complex.

Here’s to healing and moving forward.

LTI

Feels Good

A couple days ago I was in our pool with my youngest son and I had my back to him swimming around. I could here him telling himself quietly “I can do it” over and over. I knew right away what he was pumping himself up for and I smiled to myself. He’s been trying to swim the length of the pool underwater in a single breath. I cheered him on softly when I heard him take off. HE DID IT! I was so excited for him and for myself. I didn’t miss this moment like so many others over the past 3 summers. One summer suspecting something was wrong and two more stuck in waves and layers of affair recovery. Those missed times were he’d ask if I saw him do something and I would smile and shake my head yes while I was dying inside. Most of those times I was looking at him, but right through him. Those moments that made me feel like a shitty mother then too.

It feels so good to be really really present again in my life, both of my sons lives, family, friends and believe it or not my husband’s.

This past weekend I had different friends over three days in a row to hangout poolside. No hesitation that it might be to much for me to handle. Gone are days of worrying I wouldn’t have enough “me time” to deal with my overwhelming anxiety and emotions from the fallout of his affair.

It feels good to be able to read fiction books again. The past years I would get so frustrated reading because I would get lost in my thoughts only to have to reread over and over again. I would just give up on the book at hand. I turned to puzzles instead for an escape.

I’m still smiling thinking of my son’s accomplishment. I think watching him swim the length of the pool will forever bring a smile to my face.

Here’s to healing!

Here’s to being present!

Here’s to LIVING AGAIN!

LTI

No Escaping….

Funny how things change while living through infidelity. When everything happened and I was processing all of my emotions I wanted my husband in my sights as much as possible. A lot of that had to do with trying to control as much as possible in my world that was spinning out of control.

Now, I realize less time together is better. Or maybe less forced time together. Who the heck am I saying this??? In previous blogs I longed for more time together!!!!!! I need to reflect on this thought process.

We are under a Stay at Home order due to Covid-19 like so many people are. I feel like there is no escaping my husband. It’s driving me a bit crazy too. He has positioned himself in our kitchen to work from home, since he hates his office space in the basement. The kitchen is the heart of our home.

I’ve started having some rage feelings towards my husband as I see so much of the man that traumatized me for months with his affair. I want to give him a middle finger salute as I pass by. I guess I have limit of how much I can be with him in a confined stressful situation. This is also showing me I have layers of trauma I still need to deal with. I didn’t feel this way towards him when we were away on vacation. We were busy doing fun things though. I enjoyed being with him. The world isn’t much fun right now for any of us!!

I was putting the dishes away recently and my husband started talking to me. He has a habit of starting a conversation and then taking a long pause before he spits out the rest. My annoyance showed on my face mainly because I thought he was going to start talking about politics. He was watching a news channel on the TV. He called me out on it too and I zinged him with “I’m sorry I don’t hang on your every word like someone else did”!! RAGE! Silence then bestowed us for the next few hours. I zinged him two weeks ago too. I can’t stop the ZINGS!

Almost every where I go the man that hurt me is there!!! I’ll go days where I don’t feel this way towards him. Then a switch goes off it’s just to much togetherness. Stress, anxiety and a bit of depression = the switch.

The stress and anxiety of Covid-19 has nothing on Infidelity. I can handle everything coming my way, but I’m not going to lie as a mom I am feeling more and more the weight on my shoulders to keep my family safe in both decision making and in disinfecting our home. My husband and I don’t completely agree on social distancing from friends or the amount of Lysol I spray on hard surfaces.

My whole self care routine has been turned upside down like many others during this time. I never realized how much mental balance and stability my routines give me. I crave peace and quiet as I go throughout my day like when the kids would be at school and my husband at work. I crave alone time!!! Stressful grocery store outings don’t count as alone time. Now I have the noise of life 24/7 in our home. My workouts are fit in around homeschooling my youngest son. I know, I know I could wake up earlier. If I walk outside my youngest son wants to be included in my walks. I love that he wants to go with me, but at times I wish I was zoning out to my music or a podcast alone. I will never deny him though. He needs the physical activity too.

I need to find my new rhythm in life now. We have another month at least of living this way in store like so many others do too.

I’m thankful that we are all feeling okay as a family.

I know for sure what I need to discuss in my next Zoom therapy session.

Stay safe LTI.

Survived VDay

I needed to wait a few days to blog about Valentine’s Day 2020 to digest what happened or rather didn’t happen.

My husband did nothing, I repeat nothing for me on Valentine’s Day. You know the second anniversary of him sleeping with the CW. I’m not even upset about the gifts part. I’m upset that he wasn’t yet again emotionally there for me. No extra I love you’s . No I know this is hard day for you acknowledgement. No grabbing me for a hug or kiss. NOTHING. Well he did go pick up our nothing extra special dinner.

When I asked him why nothing after our kids were asleep he said he heard me say I wished the day didn’t exist so that’s what he decided to do ignore the day. I guess I must of said this statement in a triggering moment. Tears followed heavy after he said this to me because that’s how I have felt a lot during affair recovery emotionally ignored. He slept on the couch. That was his present for VDAY!!

On Saturday when I calmed down I told him that it was a bullshit excuse for doing nothing for me on the anniversary of the day he put extra bullets in me after I was already dead on the ground from 3Ddays. The bullet quote came from my therapist. I told him if he really wanted me to feel like the day didn’t exist why didn’t he take our youngest to get classroom Valentine’s cards like I hinted him to do? Why didn’t he get the kids a small VDay gift for me? Why did he give the kids both cards to give to me?

I then told him, oh I know why. He didn’t know what to do so he chose to do nothing like usual and he feared me possibly rejecting poor, poor him!! Plus he didn’t want to face his guilt and shame. He came back at me with all I did was work myself up to the actual day #IHATEVALENTINESDAY #VDFU since January. He walks on egg shells worrying. No my dear that is called PTSD, trauma and anxiety. All the nice side affects of 4Ddays!!! It was totally left as an agree to disagree moment. Life had to go on with the kids on Saturday.

I couldn’t dwell to long on his epic fail. Yesterday I had to get a biopsy done since I had two unsatisfactory test results come back on routine female testing. Moments That Make YouRealize…. I am nervous. With both of my parents diagnosed with cancer I fear the C word. My Dr told me he didn’t see anything abnormal and not to worry. I’m going to try to stay as positive as I can until I go back in two weeks for my test results. Part of me also has been worried that my husband might have given me HPV from having sex with the CW. I’ve kept this thought to myself though as I don’t want to accuse him just out of fear.

Here’s to all the Valentine’s Day bull shit being gone from stores and commercials! Cheers to that!

LTI

Forgiving Myself Again…

I’m finding the need to forgive myself again two years later for a specific moment in time during my husband’s affair.

My husband is the president of a local baseball sports league. Every year on this weekend they always have player evaluations. Today is the day.

I remember two years ago after players evaluations my husband came home to find me depressed and in bed. It had been an emotional week. I had found out through my hyper vigilant detective work that my husband had unblocked the CW on LinkedIn and blocked another person with the same name!!! LinkedIn tells you the number of days you have blocked someone and plus the CW has professional initials after her name. All week he had spun nonstop gaslighting on me that he didn’t do it. She was blocked is what he kept on repeating to me. I had prior to finding this out also told him that I knew she was meeting him on his upcoming business trip over Valentine’s Day(I was right too) which he was also denying!!! He conveniently told me about this business trip at the end of a marriage therapy session. I still think this was a calculated move on his part. Although he says not.

When he found me in bed he got in and held me. Kissed me on the forehead. He kept on telling me I had nothing to worry about even as my meek self at that time kept on saying I know your lying. I wanted so bad to believe him, that somehow I allowed his gaslighting to take control of my thoughts.

Later I would find proof on my husband’s burner phone that I wasn’t crazy. In fact I was spot-on on everything. I saw the CW tell my husband to unblock her on LinkedIn and block someone else. She knew I looked and I believe wanted us in more turmoil before their Valentine’s Day rendezvous. He did what she told him to do. They were communicating through his burner phone and her texting app. Why was there a need to unblock then? I also saw him tell her that I was VERY SUSPICIOUS of her joining him on his business trip and that they feared I would contact her husband. My VINDICATION was at a high price. Bitter sweet indeed.

Today I find the need to forgive the fragile women I was two years ago. My husband’s gaslighting, my depression, anxiety and brokenness were working against me. Everyday this week I’m going to need to forgive myself for the path that I allowed myself to stay on and the gut wrenching pain of the White T-shirt day. (A previous blog that I’m not able to link now for some reason.)

I’m learning over and over again that forgiving myself is a continual process. No wonder I don’t have time to think about and process forgiving my husband also. I’m first in line for my forgiveness and he’s in the back.

Hard emotional week ahead, but I got this! Selfcare, self love and kindness are in order.

LTI

@livingthrghit on Twitter