Funny how things change while living through infidelity. When everything happened and I was processing all of my emotions I wanted my husband in my sights as much as possible. A lot of that had to do with trying to control as much as possible in my world that was spinning out of control.
Now, I realize less time together is better. Or maybe less forced time together. Who the heck am I saying this??? In previous blogs I longed for more time together!!!!!! I need to reflect on this thought process.
We are under a Stay at Home order due to Covid-19 like so many people are. I feel like there is no escaping my husband. It’s driving me a bit crazy too. He has positioned himself in our kitchen to work from home, since he hates his office space in the basement. The kitchen is the heart of our home.
I’ve started having some rage feelings towards my husband as I see so much of the man that traumatized me for months with his affair. I want to give him a middle finger salute as I pass by. I guess I have limit of how much I can be with him in a confined stressful situation. This is also showing me I have layers of trauma I still need to deal with. I didn’t feel this way towards him when we were away on vacation. We were busy doing fun things though. I enjoyed being with him. The world isn’t much fun right now for any of us!!
I was putting the dishes away recently and my husband started talking to me. He has a habit of starting a conversation and then taking a long pause before he spits out the rest. My annoyance showed on my face mainly because I thought he was going to start talking about politics. He was watching a news channel on the TV. He called me out on it too and I zinged him with “I’m sorry I don’t hang on your every word like someone else did”!! RAGE! Silence then bestowed us for the next few hours. I zinged him two weeks ago too. I can’t stop the ZINGS!
Almost every where I go the man that hurt me is there!!! I’ll go days where I don’t feel this way towards him. Then a switch goes off it’s just to much togetherness. Stress, anxiety and a bit of depression = the switch.
The stress and anxiety of Covid-19 has nothing on Infidelity. I can handle everything coming my way, but I’m not going to lie as a mom I am feeling more and more the weight on my shoulders to keep my family safe in both decision making and in disinfecting our home. My husband and I don’t completely agree on social distancing from friends or the amount of Lysol I spray on hard surfaces.
My whole self care routine has been turned upside down like many others during this time. I never realized how much mental balance and stability my routines give me. I crave peace and quiet as I go throughout my day like when the kids would be at school and my husband at work. I crave alone time!!! Stressful grocery store outings don’t count as alone time. Now I have the noise of life 24/7 in our home. My workouts are fit in around homeschooling my youngest son. I know, I know I could wake up earlier. If I walk outside my youngest son wants to be included in my walks. I love that he wants to go with me, but at times I wish I was zoning out to my music or a podcast alone. I will never deny him though. He needs the physical activity too.
I need to find my new rhythm in life now. We have another month at least of living this way in store like so many others do too.
I’m thankful that we are all feeling okay as a family.
I know for sure what I need to discuss in my next Zoom therapy session.
Stay safe LTI.