It’s been few days now that I’ve been pondering a conversation (for lack of a better word) between my husband and I. What has been reinforced to me again by his words is he will never REALLY get any understanding about how it feels to be ME after what he did.
We were in bed about to go to sleep. I was tired. The tv was on and I rolled over to lay on his chest for a moment before going to sleep. As I settled in something mentioned on the tv prompted him to say “you have it easy or good, I give you nothing to worry about during the day”! I jolted up. I just said “Really, nothing to worry about. The sad thing is you actually believe it”!
I rolled over and dead silence and he stayed on his side of the bed.
The way he said too it was like he wanted a gold star for however long he’s actually been a good boy now!!
No gold star honey! You get to stay living with me and your family. That’s your reward.
The problem is Dday1 – Dday4. I live with the after affect of that everyday. No worries there right. No lingering trust issues either.
He still looks at me as the women I was prior to his affair. That women had her depression and anxiety under control. Self assured with hardly a worry. Things are much better for me now, but come on my husband recognize or rather embrace my struggles that aren’t a secret.
2 plus years out from the last bomb that went off and I still worry. The difference is I’m stronger and remind myself I have no control other then how I would react if it happened again.
We still haven’t spoken about his comment yet and yesterday he stepped on my cat! It was his fault and he blamed my cat for always being underfoot. Far from the truth and let’s just say all my pent up frustration came out on him to stand up for my cats honor. Don’t Fuck with my cats. I will come after you! ***Please note him the cat have this weird bond together too. He won’t admit it but he loves the cat.
I probably was a bit extreme yesterday morning, but I realize where it came from.
I want something my husband is incapable of giving me. That’s to embrace me for who I am now…….
I think he’s afraid too?
Here’s to healing!!
Here’s to moving forward!!
Here’s to living again!!
Good old Facebook memories today showed me the selfie I took of my husband and I looking all HAPPY on a date night at one of our favorite restaurants 3 years ago. I remember being happy together that night. We loved to go there to eat outside on their deck. We were doing Covid19 dinning before it was a thing.
This picture and that date night was just days before the CW made contact on LinkedIn about meeting for dinner while she was in town. All the lies started then.
This one picture I studied often after I put together the timeline of their affair. I searched within it for the answers to so many questions. Mainly how did he let go of my hand so easily and grasp hers?
I wondered also if the CW saw this picture when I posted it because at that point I thought they were Facebook friends from college. Not exes. Did she see him and say to herself I want him back? I should message him to meet? My happiness was what she deserved? Reclaim what was once hers? Did this picture spur her on to make contact with him? Just thoughts I had back then. I will never know.
The picture really never gave me any answers. Just more questions.
Today this picture reminds me that things can change in a blink of an eye. I can’t control the future. Only my actions and reactions. Also that if he ever let’s go of my hand again he will never be given the chance to hold it again.
No tears today. Just been lost in thoughts.
Here’s to healing!
Here’s to moving forward!
Here’s to Living again!
A couple days ago I was in our pool with my youngest son and I had my back to him swimming around. I could here him telling himself quietly “I can do it” over and over. I knew right away what he was pumping himself up for and I smiled to myself. He’s been trying to swim the length of the pool underwater in a single breath. I cheered him on softly when I heard him take off. HE DID IT! I was so excited for him and for myself. I didn’t miss this moment like so many others over the past 3 summers. One summer suspecting something was wrong and two more stuck in waves and layers of affair recovery. Those missed times were he’d ask if I saw him do something and I would smile and shake my head yes while I was dying inside. Most of those times I was looking at him, but right through him. Those moments that made me feel like a shitty mother then too.
It feels so good to be really really present again in my life, both of my sons lives, family, friends and believe it or not my husband’s.
This past weekend I had different friends over three days in a row to hangout poolside. No hesitation that it might be to much for me to handle. Gone are days of worrying I wouldn’t have enough “me time” to deal with my overwhelming anxiety and emotions from the fallout of his affair.
It feels good to be able to read fiction books again. The past years I would get so frustrated reading because I would get lost in my thoughts only to have to reread over and over again. I would just give up on the book at hand. I turned to puzzles instead for an escape.
I’m still smiling thinking of my son’s accomplishment. I think watching him swim the length of the pool will forever bring a smile to my face.
Here’s to healing!
Here’s to being present!
Here’s to LIVING AGAIN!