Hypocrite

That’s how I feel about myself right now. I’m a hypocrite to myself.

I set a few boundaries after my husband’s affair. He chose to cross the line on one of them and lie to me. More then one lie let’s be honest. Lies.

It’s been over two months since I found out my husband was lying to me and carrying on an inappropriate female friendship with yet another woman from his past. He really, really loves to relive his past. He’s like a moth drawn to a flame. Let’s call his friend Dee. Dee decided after separating from her husband (who was also a childhood friend of my husband’s) to reconnect with friends. My husband I think topped her list. All it took again was a message through this time FB and a texting spree ensued.

I had felt a shift in us in March. Especially after all my hard Ddays where done. I told him so and he used the excuse of all the hard days I was getting over. Nothing was wrong he said. Truth is I was going through my hard days and he was reaching out to Dee. Giving energy to her when it should of been to me. To our marriage. Blah blah blah….

So on the day of my youngest son’s birthday gathering I picked up my husband’s buzzing phone which I haven’t checked in months because I was choosing to trust him again. I saw a text message from her. I confronted him and he lied. I put on my everything is ok mask and got through my son’s gathering that included my parents, sister and brother-in-law. I was falling apart inside wishing my mom could hold and sooth me but that couldn’t happen. The next day I figured out who it was. Cue the turmoil that ensues afterwards.

I contacted Dee three different times and sent her a Facebook friend request. No response.

The gist I got from him was that he knew he was doing something wrong but justified it because it wasn’t the same as what he did with the CW. He is adamant it wasn’t an emotional affair either. Only he knows the truth…. Or maybe he can’t recognize what the truth is anymore.

In the end it doesn’t matter what he justified it as because the fallout is that 3 years of rebuilding trust has now been destroyed. (I didn’t realize how far I had come in my recovery path until that moment). Along with my hope for us. I RESENT him for this too!

I’m struggling now again with my dark depression. I have a lot of sadness I’m weeding through. My struggle is real with my life long battle. My therapist reminded me that I’m doing better then I’m actually giving myself credit for. I’m not losing days in my dark place. Only moments. Keeping my energy mainly focused on my kids, the family household and I.

I keep on coming back to my internal struggle of being a hypocrite to myself. I said that if he crossed a boundary or disrespected me again I was done. He used all of his nine lives(cat terminology). I would pack his bags for him. Guess what I didn’t do that. I wanted to, but I looked at my kids and couldn’t. We talked of divorce/separation more then once and we both got very upset. So we both tabled the discussion. We still are working well as a family and household amazingly. Pretend normal land again.

I have childhood issues with divorce. My childhood was rocked by my parents divorce when I was 6 years old. Both my parents moved on quickly with other people. I ended up with wicked stepmother and stepfather who wasn’t always kind either. I was the youngest and in the way I felt of both blended families. My parents always chose their new spouses. My depression started by the time I was 10 years old. By the time I was 13 years old I had been in two mental hospitals for sever depression.

Judge me all you want for still staying. You don’t need to comment you need to leave him etc. I’m telling myself this often since he can’t RESPECT me or our marriage. Trauma is a bitch. I have deep anxiety of not being in control of my kids everyday life. I fear who my husband could bring into my kids lives since he’s been making selfish choices. Especially our youngest. He is super sensitive and a lot like me.

You might want to say I’m burring my head in the sand staying. My eyes actually are so wide open now that hope has left. I see what we are.

I’m not looking for sympathy or tough love. I just thought I should update where I’m at. Especially since I found recently on Twitter that I’m not the only one in this place.

I asked my husband if he wanted an open marriage? He looked at me dumbfounded! Like why would I think that! Umm, I don’t think it’s that far fetched. Then I realized that he wouldn’t want me to have anyone else.

He’s asked what he can do and I told him to figure himself out. Why can’t he resist these women from his past? I can’t do it for him. I’ve tried in the past foolishly to do so.

After all of this happened because of my depression I withdrew from my close girlfriends, family and support tribe on Twitter to regroup. I’m peeking out of my protective bubble more and more that I put myself in.

There is a price he’s paying though. He’s lost a big part of my heart since I could feel it harden. My intimate trust in him and my hope. Maybe once again what I thought the repercussions were going to be wasn’t so.

So once again I will find my footing to live again. I will!

LTI

4 thoughts on “Hypocrite

  1. I’m so shook right now I don’t have many words… my heart is broken for you, I’m so mousses at your H, and I really really really need you to know something…

    You are not a hypocrite… you are NOT. You are taking care of yourself and your kids and that is not in any way shape or form hypocrisy.

    My thoughts are with you

    Liked by 2 people

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