Versions of our marriage.
For awhile now I’ve been realizing that I live in one version of our marriage and my husband lives in a different one.
My husband’s version is full of pretend normal. The fairytale of us lives here. I join him from time to time until I realize this isn’t my reality. He is a compartmentalizer and I am not. It is easier in pretend normal land. You don’t deal with (the now only occasional) hard triggering moments. There is no guilt, shame or pain in this place either. My husband has the luxury to trust me. I think this is a huge difference between us and our versions of our marriage.
My version is much more complex. I deal with occasional triggered moments from the traumatizing ordeal he dealt me. My trust in him is only returning slowly even with his good behavior for over two years now. He is frustrating to communicate with when it comes to almost everything affair related. Cue his guilt and shame I can see on his face. He goes mute on me. If I had to put a label on my marriage it is just stable/okay.
Mixed into these versions is love. Love isn’t enough though to overcome the complex obstacles in our marriage.
I wish he would meet me halfway without me having to pull him out of his happy pretend normal place.
Versions of me.
There is LTI mother, daughter, friend etc… I have happiness again in life. I’m moving forward and living again. Enjoying my time with my kids, family and friends. My anxiety and depression is under control for the most part.
Wife me. I have a stutter still. I don’t trust him as much as I would like to. Everyday is a leap of faith being married. Maybe it always was a leap of faith? I just didn’t think that way about our marriage. Goes back to TRUST! I ward off occasional triggers and Mind Fucks. I’m no longer searching for answers to why about his affair, but I am wondering why he can’t take me out of his compartmentalized box he has me in and take a good look at me. I’m not the same wife anymore. My needs have changed. I have moments of happiness with him, but our deep connection is still missing.
I delved into these thoughts in my last therapy session. It’s given me a lot to think about.
Is it possible to merge my reality and his reality together? He needs to communicate and support me better. I need to have more trust and faith in him. We are now 28 months into recovery and we have come along way. I do see the progress. I believe more and more that the 3-5 years time frame is true in recovery. At least for our complex story.
Recovering from infidelity is so complex.
Here’s to healing and moving forward.