The dust keeps settling in my path of healing. What becomes visible is the fact that my relationship with my husband lacks any spark. We are the word Meh.
We are a bit more then just roommates and parents together. We love each other but I think we both lack in the “in love” part of our relationship. I know that relationships go through different stages. Is it a stage or a permanent scar from infidelity?
I was on a bit of an Ah-ha moment high after I figured out the war was over between my husband and I. I felt lighter all around and still do personally in other aspects of my life. Then the reality of us hit again. He’s not doing much to rekindle our relationship. I actually think I get less from him then before the affair. Maybe it’s because I refuse to take the lead in rekindling us. He would ride the wave I created for us in the past before the affair. Maybe it’s because he is still buried in his shame and guilt he hasn’t dealt with.
In the midst of trying to save us early on in recovery there was such an urgency between us. Now……well he’s happy to still be here and I’m asking myself the question am I still happy to be here? I’m happy to have my family intact especially in this Covid19 time. My marriage…….it’s complicated.
When I bring up to my husband my Meh feelings about us and what he wants he keeps on telling me “I’m all in”. Meaning all in our marriage. I think his all in is being a good boy again and not cheating. A good provider for our family. It doesn’t include rekindling us. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how so he’s not going to try to figure it out. Truth is I’m not completely sure how to rekindle us either.
Have I personally changed on my healing path that I no longer feel or connect with his “all in”? Or him in general? I have moments where I feel like a stranger in my marriage.
I still feel I deserve So Much more from him after all the Shit he put me through! I know my resentment in this area towards him isn’t helping things on my end.
Is the fact that I have a faithful husband again enough?
There are so many gray areas in my recovery path back to my marriage. Is that what years 2.5 through 5 in affair recovery are for? Dealing with the gray areas?
Here’s to living again!